Light
by ohprongs
Summary: "You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond. Drabble/one-shot collection written for the OTP Boot Camp Challenge. Pairing: L/J
1. one - acrid

**a/n:** Welcome! This is going to be a collection of fifty one-shots based on James/Lily from the fifty prompts from the _OTP Boot Camp Challenge_ by Gamma Orionis. They all follow the same timeline but are not in chronological order and may reference events from some of my other fics.

**warnings: **this applies to the whole fic and although I haven't actually written the whole thing yet I can imagine there'll be possibly underage smoking and/or drinking (which I am in no way advocating) possible sexy times and quite a lot of bad language.

**disclaimer:** I'm not Jo _or _Gamma and it's quite sad really.

**one - acrid**

"_We're going up, up, up! Shooting to the sky!"_

The door to The Dragon's Hide crunches shut and they're met with a faceful of exuberant men, jumping up and down and sloshing Firewhiskey everywhere. The girl goes first, pushing her way through the joyful crowd with a scowl.

"_Like an Arrow soaring faster, we're gonna fly so high, we're going up, up, up –_"

She reaches her seat with a new record – only four _alright, love? Ditch ol' Speccy and come with me _offers tonight – and slumps against the bench, leaning her chin in her palms. James follows, plopping himself down next to her somewhat unceremoniously, having ignored (elbowed) the idiots on the way who jeered at his girlfriend and says, "Some crowd, eh?"

Lily doesn't respond.

Sirius works his way over and slides in next to James with a nod of his head towards the revellers.

"Some crowd, eh?"

"Just said that," James supplies tonelessly, if only to fill the space, and Lily's face slides further into her hands so it is almost completely covered.

"_ARROWS! Up, up, ARROWS! Up, up –"_

"Pete's just coming," Sirius says a moment later. "If he survives the journey."

He does, and places the four shot glasses on the table. "Bloody murder getting here," he says, sitting down. "You'd think the team had just moved up in the league or something." His grin is met without comment and he blinks. "Drink up."

Lily picks up a small glass and throws it back, wincing. "Merlin," she coughs. "What is that?"

"Careful, Evans," Sirius warns.

"I could drink you under the cauldron, Sirius," she scoffs, "so shut your mouth." It's supposed to be fierce but the battle tonight has taken the fight out of her voice and she just sounds weary.

Peter observes the two of them glaring at each other and turns to James. "You support the Arrows, Prongs," he states, receiving a half-hearted shrug in response.

"Used to," is all James offers, and a silence settles over the group.

The stench of Firewhiskey burns the back of her throat and Lily's sure she can smell death on her, too. Death and the acrid smoke that went with the baby's screams as they tried to rescue its mother from the burning wreckage –

She swallows quickly and refills their glasses with her wand, downing another shot before the others have even picked theirs up. Lily avoids her boyfriend's worried gaze and he clears his throat.

"To Remus," James proposes, and the three men (boys) nod.

(It'd been the first fight they'd fought without him for a few months and his first full moon without _them_ for a few years and neither side was particularly pleased about it but you know:_Dumbledore's orders._)

"May the bugger be alright," Sirius adds, and they knock their next shots back.

Later the others are quieter and there isn't much noise in the now half-empty pub. The only shouts come from the back where a fight has broken out because a group of bitter Canons fans had invaded the Arrows territory and they'd accepted the challenge without hesitation.

Lily can't help wondering how men manage to find fights in such insignificant places and suddenly she just wants to go home. She wants James' arms around her and the blankets on their bed to separate them from the dangers of the outside world and keep the faces she sees when she closes her eyes at bay.

The war is taking its toll on her.

"Lily?" Peter asks, noticing her expression.

James turns to her. "You alright?" He tilts her chin with his fingers and brushes her eyelids. "C'mere." She slides closer to him and he puts his arm around her.

Sirius' eyes flicker over the pair and he looks at Peter. "Come on, mate. I don't think we're wanted."

Lily glances at them, her face melancholy. "'Course you are," she says, and her voice is croaky.

He makes a sound but she's not sure if he agrees and she sighs. "Let's go," Lily says, tugging at James' arm. He kisses her forehead and stands, offering her his hand.

When they step outside it's drizzling. Lily shivers and James hugs her tighter, the rain misting up his specs. She buries her face in his jacket, wrapping her arms around him. Sirius rolls his eyes and falls into step beside his friend, Peter next to him, and the four of them walk home in the rain.

* * *

**reviews are better than everything.**


	2. two - battered

**two - battered**

It starts with Lily sliding around on the kitchen lino in her socks as she dances to her Dad's old Elvis records and a snide remark from Petunia (actually it started in a deserted park with two swings and two girls and a boy) that escalates into a fully-blown argument over _freaks in the family _and not having _your kind at the wedding_.

Their Uncle John attempts to break in but gets shouted down by both his nieces so he passes his sister-in-law, shaking his head, and goes out to the garden to have a fag. Exasperated at his lack of courage, Sally grabs her purse and stuffs a fiver into James' hand.

"Take her out, pet," she says, with the air of a woman to whom these disputes are nothing new. "There's a chippie in town."

James catches his girlfriend's eye and nods to the door. She huffs and storms out of the room, stopping in the hall to jam her purple Doc Martens on her feet before stomping down the path. He hurries alongside her, pulling a coat off the hook to take for later.

"Lil!" he calls. "Where're we going?"

She waits for him to catch her up. "Dunno. It was your idea."

"It was your mum's actually," he corrects, and hands her the money. "She gave me this. I've no idea what to do with it."

She cracks a grin for the first time since Petunia entered the house that evening and hits him playfully.

"You're incompetent, you know that?"

He shrugs. "You love me, though."

Lily links her arm through his and tugs him in the right direction. "That I do. Fish and chips sound good?"

"Definitely."

They wait inside the brightly-lit chip shop, the neon strips glaring down at him. She smiles, giddy on the smell of chips and vinegar and battered fish that fills the air. Lily turns to James and kisses him, ignoring the wolf-whistles of the teenage boys sitting at a table down the room.

Lily orders for the two of them and they take the cones of newspaper-wrapped chips outside and munch them on a park bench off Cokeworth high street. Their shoulders bump and their hands meet and she lets him finish her food even though he protests he doesn't want it _because_, she informs him, _that's what boyfriends are for_.

He kisses her then, and it's sweet in the summer air and there's a cool breeze blowing. Strands of hair float by her face and her eyes are bright and there's a faint pink in her cheeks and James doesn't think he's seen anything more beautiful ever _ever_ than Lily Evans.

She stands up to throw away the newspaper and brushes her hands on her jeans. Lily waves to a boy across the park who's playing football – _Will_, she tells him, _but he's just a friend, so don't worry _– and sits next to him again. He buries his face in her hair and kisses her neck and his fingers trace absent-minded patterns on her arm and she sighs softly and somehow the moment is perfect.


	3. three - calm

**three – calm**

James hurtles down the stairs before they can even think about moving so that he can reach his destination as quickly as possible, but she chases after him and almost catches him up. He feels his sleeve being tugged and he turns angrily, annoyed that he can't continue on his way.

His fist is just _itching_ to connect with the bugger's face.

"James, wait –"

He shakes her off but stays put and she rests a calming hand on his arm and his rugged breathing slows. His fury fades – but only slightly.

"Lily, don't. I don't care. He's – just – he's being a complete tosser and –" He finds it difficult to articulate and sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. "Let me talk to him."

"You aren't planning on talking to him. I know you. You want to punch his lights out."

He rolls his eyes. "True."

Lily looks at him and swallows. "I don't care about what he said. If you go and – if you go and knock him out or hex him or whatever you do, it's going to aggravate him more. He's your best friend, James. You need to sort it out."

He frowns down at her.

"James," she says, forcing him to look at her. "_James_. I don't care. I wasn't even supposed to hear him – he was talking to Cass Talcott and I walked past –"

"Oh, great, so he was talking about you behind your back as well?"

"He misses you. I'm sure of it. We spend a lot of time together," Lily comments.

"You're my girlfriend, Lily. Besides, he's spent six _years_ with me." He steps closer to her, taking her hand. "I've been with you for six _weeks_."

She reaches her hand up and runs it through his hair, resting her fingers on the stiff arch off his collar. "I know. But I mean it. I don't care about what he said. I've been called worse."

James exhales. "That's not the _point_, Lil. He's my best mate and you – you mean everything to me and he needs to grow up and bloody well accept it because this – us – isn't –" He scuffs the ground with his shoe, struggling to find the words. He's not breaking up with Lily over Padfoot's childishness, and he hopes to Merlin that she isn't going to break up with him. The thought weighs heavily on his chest, settling in his throat and cutting off his voice.

Lily speaks softly. "I'm not going anywhere." He brings her hands to him and kisses her knuckles, sweeping her into a hug. She smiles for the first time since he'd found her.

She'd been curled up in their armchair – it isn't _technically _theirs, he supposes, but as seventh-years and heads of school they'd kind of claimed the spot by the fire and no-one had dared challenge them – with her head buried in her Runes notes, quill dancing across the parchment at her side. He'd crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, but the surprise made her jump and her ink pot spilled on her essay and robes. He'd moved to kneel in front of her, an apologetic smile already on his face, but the _tergeo _died on his lips as she blinked rapidly and hugged her arms around herself, looking away from him.

"Sirius hates me," was all she'd offered at first, so he'd cleared her study notes onto the floor and curled up next to her, pulling her onto his lap.

James sits on the bottom step of the now stationary staircase. Lily sits next to him. He turns his head so his lips are by her ear and whispers, "Promise?"

She kisses him. "Promise."


	4. four - chastity

**four – chastity**

His hands are grabbing at her robes – hers are tugging at his hair – as he hastily unbuttons them and their lips meet and his tongue slips inside her mouth and _chastity my arse_, she thinks, moaning as the costume falls away. She switches her fingers to his jacket and strips away the layers, divesting him of his t-shirt too. His fingers are warm in contrast to the cooler air of the broom cupboard and – _James_ – when he does _that _she just can't think straight.

They've only been going out for a month at most and she reckons they shouldn't be doing this but a Hallowe'en snog seemed too good to miss. The partygoers – their fellow seventh-years – provided the perfect cover and at least, she thinks, the two of them had the decency to escape the crowds before giving in to temptation.

James pulls away, breathing heavily, and she sighs. He gives her a quick peck before wrapping his arms around her, burying his face in her hair.

"Lil," he says, but it's more of a question, and he waits for her reply before continuing. "Are you – do you want to –"

He curses under his breath but she doesn't hear, lost in the feeling of his voice vibrating through his chest and his skin against hers.

"What?" she asks, and her voice is soft and slightly breathless.

He takes a breath and leans back, his hazel eyes searching hers. "Do you want to – you know – take this further?"

James blushes slightly at the implication and Lily finds it endearing. She bites her lip and gives him a small smile.

"If you want," she says, and he fights to keep his breathing steady. "But not here."

"My dorm?" the boy asks, determined to do this right but hating it all the same – it sounds so _cheap _when he says it like that, so _worthless_.

Lily nods and he kisses her, buttoning up her robes before they leave, and she hands him back his shirt.

They walk hand in hand to the Gryffindor tower, not saying much at all, but both smiling, and then suddenly it's _felix felicis _to the Fat Lady and they're stumbling into the empty common room, bodies close, kissing fiercely. Her knees hit the edge of the sofa and she collapses, yanking his clothes suddenly in an attempt to stay upright, but it doesn't work and they crash down. James lands hard on top of her and she's squashed into the cushions and the frames of his glasses dig into her cheek and she can feel him silently shaking with the effort of supressing his laughter and then they're both giggling, giggling, giggling.

"Sorry," she whispers, once they've adjusted into a more comfortable position. She leans her head on his chest and his arms encircle her, pulling her closer.

"S'alright," James replies, and kisses her forehead.

Lily tilts her head and looks up at him. "'S'alright'?" she asks, and he nods. "Are you sure?" He nods again. "Because I know this isn't what you wanted and –"

"Lil," he says, brushing his fingers across her lips and cutting her off. "I don't care. I'd wait years for you, because _you _are what I want, alright?"

She kisses him and tightens her hold on him.

"Well," James says when they break apart, "maybe not _years_. Admit it, Lil: _years_ without any reprieve would be plain cruel, and I know you're not – what?"

She's smiling and laughing and shaking her head and trying to frown at him. "Shut up," she says, and the slow grin that spreads across his face makes her love him just that little bit more.


	5. five - drawn

**five – drawn**

"No, no, Lily! Seriously, don't, or –" he breaks off, cursing.

"_Ow!_"

"I told you," he says matter-of-factly. She's only playing against Potter because she has nothing else to do and she decides there and then that she doesn't like the smug grin on his face one bit.

(She might.)

"It stabbed me!"

"It's a chess piece with a sword the size of a cocktail stick, Evans. I doubt you're mortally wounded."

He smiles even more at her grumbles of _stupid game _and red face and "Who's idea was it anyway? I can't play this. I can't even play normal chess, Potter. Stop taking advantage."

James glances at her. She's sitting across the table from him, legs crossed under her on the armchair, leaning forward to search the board for her next move. Her hair dangles forward and he imagines it would tickle if he put his arm by it, and she has a little crease in her forehead while she calculates what to do next.

His mother's told him that he's a Potter and he has a reputation to uphold, and they're only eleven and he doubts she meant it in the way he's thinking but he knows what _taking advantage _means and he blushes slightly.

A bishop yells instructions at Lily and James points to him. "You should do that. That's a good move."

She looks up suspiciously. "Why are you helping me?"

(He doesn't like seeing her frown.)

James shrugs.

Lily looks at him for a little longer and finally decides to take his advice, muttering to the knight to move to the square James had pointed out.

As he makes his move she regards him and asks again, "Why did you help me?"

(He wants to see her smile.)

"You're right. It's not fair if you don't know how to play," he improvises, and she seems to swallow the tale.

"Well, thank you," she says, always gracious, and she might be about to smile at him when Sirius comes barging into the common room with tinsel round his neck. Peter stumbles in after him with glitter in his hair and a bunch of cracker snaps in his hand.

"James," Sirius says, practically bouncing over to his friend. "You will never guess what Pete and I just did."

Peter giggles and Lily raises an eyebrow, telling the rook to move two spaces diagonally left.

"What?"

"Well, the spell-work was a bit ropey, but we charmed these giant crackers to explode with tinsel in the Slytherin common room!"

James makes his play and says, "_Really?_"

In his excitement, Sirius doesn't quite hear the sarcastic undertones of James' voice. "Yes!" He stops, as if noticing Lily and the chess game for the first time. "What _are _you doing?"

"…playing chess."

"James, are you off your rocker? It's Christmas! Have some fun!"

Lily leans in closer to the board, scanning the squares for the winning move.

"I was having fun," the boy protests, and he checks the board too.

"_Playing chess?_"

Defensively: "Yes."

Lily stretches out her arm, about to make her play, as Peter points out that _chess is boring_ and grabs James' arm, hauling him up. Sirius grabs his other arm and manages to knock the board at the same time, sending indignant chess pieces flying. The girl glares at him.

"I was about to win!" she says frustratedly.

"Sorry," Sirius mutters, and tugs his friends on their way.

"Not with that board, Evans," James calls over his shoulder, and Lily stands.

"What?"

"It would have been a draw," he explains, the smug grin back in place. "You'll have to do better next time!"

They disappear through the portrait hole and Lily decides there and then that there will _never_ be a next time.

(They're sitting outside in the June sunshine in the last days of sixth-year when she finally beats him at wizard's chess. It's one of her favourite memories.)


	6. six - eternity

**six – eternity**

"…_Accio! You had the key to my heart…"_

Aurelia's voice croons from the speakers in the common room and Remus buries his head in his arms.

"…_I knew right from the very start…"_

The boys wince as the girl, the lead singer from Aurelia and the Banshees, very nearly hits the note she's aiming for in her latest song.

"Who chose this crap?" Sirius asks, voicing the majority opinion.

"It's Lily's 17th, Padfoot. She gets to choose what she wants to listen to."

"She's _Lily_ now, is she?"

"Shut up," James sighs. He gives his friend a punch on the shoulder.

"…_I know that we were meant to be…"_

Sirius turns to James and sings the last note with incredible sincerity: _"…you're in my heart for eternity…"_

They double over laughing. Lily and Marlene, who witnessed his serenading and decided to come over, join them on the sofa. The redhead perches on the arm of the seat the four boys are occupying and leans in close.

"I don't really like her singing," she whispers confidentially.

"The Banshees are quite good looking," Peter says thoughtfully, and Lily hits him in astonishment.

"How can you say that? They're disgusting! Disgusting!" Lily turns to Marlene. "That's actually quite a hard word to say. Disgusting. Dis-gus-ting."

Remus looks up and Sirius raises an eyebrow. "You alright, Evans?"

"I'm fine. I'm a little bit pissed, actually."

"I would never have guessed."

James shoots his friend a warning look and clears his throat. The song changes to a more upbeat disco number and he says, "Wanna dance, Evans?"

(She's been waiting all night for him to ask.)

Lily perks up considerably, apparently still lost in her outrage at Peter's suggestion that the Banshees were attractive, and nods. This time it's Remus giving the warning look as James squeezes past his mates.

"She's drunk, Prongs," he hisses. "Play nice."

James spreads his arms as if to say _when am I not_? and takes her hand, grinning.

Their friends watch them from the sofa. Sirius throws his arm around Marlene and she stiffens, chucking it off her shoulders with a pointed look.

"Just because our best friends are getting together, doesn't mean we'll be double-dating, Black," she reprimands. He bursts out laughing at the look on her face.

"You really think James and Lily are getting together?" asks Peter.

"Well _obviously_," she declares loftily. "Lily doesn't dance like that with just anyone. Even if she is off her face."

"That's the problem, though," Remus comments. "She's off her face, and tomorrow she'll go back to not liking him again."

Sirius makes a noise of agreement, pointing at Remus like he's just made a sterling argument. "He'll have got his hopes up for nothing. Again. She can't keep doing this to him."

Marlene stares at them all for a moment. Then she shakes her head. "Did you just hear me?"

They look back at her.

"Lily doesn't dance like that with just anyone."

They blink back blankly.

"_James isn't just anyone,_" Marlene says slowly, as if speaking to a child.

Sirius rolls his eyes, feeling he understands. "Well, la-di-da. That's brilliant. Evans has finally decided James isn't any bloke off the street. Excellent. It's only taken her six years to get there."

Marlene shoves him, frustrated. "You're an arse, you know that? And you're completely missing the point." She stands up and brushes her skirt down. "I'm going to get a drink. Maybe you should get one too, it might knock some sense into you."

Sirius glares at her retreating back as she saunters away through the crowd, making her way to the drinks table.

"Oi!" he yells, standing up. "Marlene!"

(Remus tries to hold him back, he really does.)


	7. seven - fear

**seven - fear**

James sings as he lays the table for dinner, and Lily bursts into fits of giggles.

She covers her mouth and leans in close to their baby, whispering conspiratorially to Harry. "Daddy's finally cracked," she says, and he gives her a toothy grin. Lily looks up at her husband and raises an eyebrow. "You do realise you're bonkers, sweetheart?"

He nods, raising a pan off the cooker and draining the veg in the sink. "You are too, though, Lil." She gasps in mock outrage and rises from her seat to strap Harry into his high chair. "I'm quite thankful for it, really," James comments as he dishes up the food and Lily pours them all water, "because Merlin knows how I'd have got you to marry me otherwise."

He places the plates on the table and leans over to her with a crooked grin. Lily gives him a kiss and tells him to sit down, complaining loudly to Harry about her misfortune.

(She feels like the luckiest girl in the world when she's with James.)

After they've finished eating and she's put Harry to bed and read him a story and James has charmed the Snitches to light up and float around Harry's room they lie together on the sofa, and James twirls her hair around his fingers. Lily scratches absent-minded patterns on his shirt and he presses a kiss to her temple.

"Love you," she whispers, and the words echo in the darkness.

(He'll never tire of hearing her say that.)

James tilts her chin towards him and kisses her, once, twice. She winds her hands around his neck and plays with his collar and the hair at the nape of his neck, and his fingers stroke her cheek and neck and collarbone, dancing around the top of her breasts. His touch is gentle, so gentle.

"Love you too," James murmurs against her lips, and she hums contentedly.

Then suddenly there's a crash from outside and they jump apart, hands already reaching for wands. He swears when he realises his is on the coffee table, the panic in his eyes mirrored by the fear in hers. James leans over her to get it and runs a hand over his jaw. Lily presses a finger to her lips and creeps to the window, turning off the light with a whispered _Nox_ and pulling the curtain back mere inches to peer outside.

She searches for a moment before finding the source of the noise - an overturned dustbin and a creature poking its nose into the rubbish bag. "Just a fox," she breathes, as she wills her heart-rate to return to normal.

(It doesn't.)

James forces a grin and walks over to the window, looking out too.

"I'll just double check the wards, yeah?" he asks, but he does it before waiting for her reply.

Lily glances at him - he's jumpy and so unlike the James she used to know - and goes to the kitchen. She points her wand at the kettle and puts two teabags in two mugs, sliding into the chair she'd sat at earlier. James comes into the kitchen too and sits next to her, dragging the seat round to be at her side.

He runs a hand through his hair and asks, "Alright?"

(She closes her eyes for a moment, thanking God for the familiarity of the gesture.)

"Yeah," she nods, gathering his hand in hers and pressing her knuckles to her lips.

Lily avoids his eyes and keeps him close to her. The silence is broken only by the ticking of the clock and the kettle whistling on the stove.


	8. eight - hatred

**eight – hatred**

"Who are you waiting for, Evans?" James asks, leaning down to her with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Lily looks away. She's been dodging his requests for days_. _It's not that he asks her out every week, but the constant flirtations and suggestions do her head in.

(She quite likes the attention, really, even if it is coming from James Potter.)

"David," she tells him, trying to keep her voice level.

James snorts derisively. "_Finch_?"

"His name is Fincher," she sighs. "David _Fincher_. No-one calls you _Pot_, do they?"

He mulls this over and raises his eyebrows. She mirrors the gesture - his lack of argument has surprised her temporarily.

"You know, Evans," he remarks, "if you wanted someone reliable you should have gone to Hogsmeade with me."

"He _is _reliable," retorts the girl, a little too quickly for her liking.

Disparaging: "Then why are you alone in the Entrance Hall?"

Her heart is thumping and the same question is bouncing around in her mind but Lily hides it with a roll of her eyes and, "Unfortunately, I'm not. _You're _here."

David hurries over to her, wringing his hands with an apology already on his lips. He gives her a quick kiss – James' face, Lily notices with savage pleasure, turns red and twists into a scowl – and they turn away from the Quidditch captain and walk together out the door.

The boy watches wistfully as the pair walk out of the Entrance Hall, and he's joined by Sirius. Leaning over the banister, he gives his friend a slap upside the head. "Prongs, mate, give her up."

Lily doesn't look back, and James frowns.

"You know what your problem is, Padfoot?" he says as he begins to climb the stairs.

"Inbreeding?" Sirius suggests.

"Yeah, but you lack _determination_." He stresses the last word.

"I do have my dignity, though," Sirius points out, "which I'd say you lost a long time ago."

"Shut it," James says with a thoughtful look on his face. "You know, we haven't done a prank in a while."

Sirius' face lifts with interest. "What you thinking?"

"That David _Fincher _needs a kick up his arse –"

"Prongs," Sirius says, interrupting his best friend. He turns to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and stopping him from moving away. "_Let it drop_."

James shoves Sirius' hand off him and glares at the wall. "You didn't see, Pads. He was late – late! – and then had the – the bloody audacity to just – waltz in and kiss her! _Kiss her_, right in front of me –!"

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Evans doesn't belong to you, mate."

"– and he was clearly just doing it to rile me before the match next week because they _know _they don't have a hope in hell of winning if I'm not off my game and she just – she just bloody let him! _Right in front of me_! I mean clearly _some _people have no sense of common and public decency because she – that is, _some people _– let him stick his tongue down her throat without so much as a – _what?_"

"Prongs, please. Let's not pretend that if it was you Evans was with, you wouldn't give a rat's arse about 'common and public decency'."

James colours but smirks all the same. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Sirius gives him a look and he grins. "Alright, maybe I do. Still hate him though," he mutters, and Sirius shoves him.

"Please," he says. "Can we talk about something else?"

James thinks for a moment. "Motorbikes?"

"That," Sirius says, pushing his friend along and catching up with him, hands in pockets, "sounds like an _excellent _idea."


	9. nine - indifference

**a/n: **everybody cheer, it's the return of Kevin from _say my name_! Thank you so much to anyone who's reading, but especially _Bluemnm, Tajee165, Super Cara, Penciled In, siriuslymrsmalfoy, Cassia4u, Whatchoofelloeverfor, awkwardhippogriff _and _glassycry _for your reviews! Also my hearty congratulations to the USA for re-electing Obama. I'm proud of you.

**nine – indifference**

"Who are you waiting for, Evans?" James asks.

(Lily's been waiting _weeks _for him to ask her, but she won't let him know that.)

"Kevin," she tells him, trying to remain indifferent.

James scoffs. "You said yes, then?"

"Mm."

"To that idiot?"

"I told you, James, Ravenclaw doesn't equal idiot," Lily says, allowing her resignation to seep into her voice.

He picks up on it and considers her, taking in the red curls pushed around her face by the collar of her robes, her sparkling eyes, cheeks flushed pink. "You know, Evans," he remarks slowly, "if you wanted someone reliable you should have gone to Hogsmeade with me."

"You should have asked," retorts the girl, a little too quickly for her liking. She bites her lip, holding back a smile at her own impatience.

His eyebrows raised a little, surprise evident in his voice, he says, "Are you saying you would have said _yes_?"

She allows him a cheeky grin. "Maybe."

Kevin comes rushing down the stairs, blonde hair flying.

(It's ruffled and soft but she can't help making internal private secret _secret _comparisons between Kevin's floppy mop and James' hair. She knows which one she'd prefer to run her fingers through -)

He looks flustered. "Sorry I'm late," the boy apologises, and takes her hand. "You ready?"

Both Gryffindors glance down at their entwined hands and Lily blushes slightly. "Yeah. Let's go."

The boy watches wistfully as the pair walk out of the Entrance Hall, and he's joined by Sirius. Leaning over the banister, he gives his friend a slap upside the head. "Prongs, mate, give her up."

But Lily looks back, and James just smiles.

"You know what your problem is, Padfoot?" he says as he begins to climb the stairs.

"Not a lot has changed over the past year, so I'm sticking with inbreeding," Sirius states.

"_Not a lot has changed?_"James repeats incredulously. "Mate, where have you _been_?"

Sirius rolls his eyes good-naturedly at his friend as they walk back to the common room. "At your side. Although, come to think of it, I did give Karen Parker and that broom cupboard on the second floor a miss."

James coughs and flushes a bright red. "You knew about that?"

"Mate, where have _you _been?" Sirius echoes. "I know everything."

"Really?" James snorts. "Alright. Tell me something."

Sirius turns his head, curious. "What would you like to know, Prongs? Something about _Lily_?" he teases.

"Shut it," James grins. "I dunno. Anything. What's going to happen next year?"

Sirius thinks for a minute and starts to spout a story involving Remus and Mel Jones, the sixth-year Prefect, and party poppers and Disillusionment Charms and ginger beer and James holds up a hand to stop him.

"That's complete crap, Padfoot. Now I _know _you're making it up."

"Am not!" the other protests. James fixes him with a look.

"That's about as likely as – as – I don't know – as me getting Head Boy."

"Unlikely," Sirius agreed.

"Highly."

"I might even go so far as to say impossible –"

"I'm not _that _bad."

"_Now _who's talking crap?"

James shoves him.


	10. ten - jagged

**ten - jagged**

James stirs in his sleep, his arm sliding from her ribs to the curve of her waist and resting comfortably there, but Lily rolls away from him. The sheets that haven't yet been lain on are cold beneath her and she relishes the chill.

She realises, as she closes her eyes and listens to the silence of the night, that she has no right to be where she is. She has no right to be comfortably nestled in bed with her husband. She has no right to love and be loved, because she has taken that right from somebody else with a flick of her wand and a curse, the jagged words spilling from her lips. And they're words marked in the ink of blood, too, not her Muggle crayons, and she can't rub them out or siphon them away with a _tergeo_.

She has become a killer, and she has let herself become as bad as them.

It makes her sick.

Lily presses her fingers into her eyelids, digging them in as far as she can until iridescent colours float in front of her eyes - bright turquoise, day-glo purple, neon yellow, and battlefield red with a hint of Killing Curse green.

She shifts again on the mattress to find another cold spot and lies precariously close to the edge of the bed. Lily's dangling her arm over the edge of the bed with fingertips brushing the coarse strands of the carpet when James reaches over to her and tugs her into him.

"What're you doin' all th'way over there?" he asks, words slurred with sleep.

"Thinking," she replies, and almost mouths his retort along with him: _Don't wanna be doing that_.

James yawns hugely and stretches, the mattress bending with his movement. He rumples his hair and she burrows into the pillow with her face turned away. James nudges her until she looks at him, and when she does he's fixated on her shoulder. Gently he reaches out and his fingers brush the line on her back.

"Where'd'you get this?" he says softly, still tracing the raw red mark along her back.

Lily shrugs and his fingers slip with the movement. He brings them around and touches her cheek.

"Lily?"

She brushes him away and says, "Dunno. Tonight, I suppose."

He frowns slightly. "Lily, if you were injured you should have said something."

"It's just a cut, James," she says harshly. "It'll heal, I've had worse. It's not like I'm dead." Then she reaches out to him and kisses him, running her hands through his hair. He pulls back, extremely confused.

"What? What're you - talking -about?"

She stops him numerous times with kisses, biting and sucking on his bottom lip to prevent him from talking. Finally James scoots back a little and rests his hand on her, and when his thumb hits the cut at the junction of her back and shoulder she winces.

"Lily. Tell me what's going on." His voice is barely audible when he speaks. "Please."

She stares at him for a long while and the silence is disturbed only by the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees. It's a summer night and it's swelteringly hot, but Lily can only feel a chill running through her veins and she tells him so.

"I killed someone, James. I _killed_ someone. That's what's going on."

He lets out a breath and his shoulders slump. "Lily, Lily -" he gathers her in his arms, "- I know, love. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But it was self-def -"

"Don't say that," Lily pleads, and her voice breaks. "I don't care. I don't care that it was self-defence and it was him or me and he was going to..." she trails off. "James, I _killed_ someone."

She seems so broken and lost and defeated and he doesn't know what to do.

All he _can_ do offer is sympathy - he's never had to utter the words, after all - and he knows he can't understand how she's feeling. So James hugs her tighter and allows her tears to soak into his thin shirt, and holds Lily until she's fallen asleep.

(He holds her long after that.)


	11. eleven - killing

**eleven – killing**

They're sitting around the rug on the living room floor playing _Uno_ when the phone rings. Their parents are sitting at the table with cups of tea and Sally jerks her head to the wall. She begins to say, "You couldn't get it, could you, love?", but Lily's already half-way to the phone –

(James said he'd call at half past, and it's three thirty-one. She knows it's him.)

– when her cousin Nick beats her to it. "Hello?"

Lily reaches for the receiver. "Oi!_"_

James frowns at the deep voice.

"Give it – no –"

"_Hello!_" he ventures. "_Is Lily –_"

The voice on the end of the phone crackles and Remus pulls the mouthpiece away from James.

"Prongs, you don't have to shout!"

"_Sorry! Is_ – is Lily there?"

The boy on the other end shrugs. "It's for you, Lily."

She reaches out and tries to grab it from the boy, but he lifts the phone above his head with a wicked grin. Her fingers tug the curly cord impatiently.

"Who's calling?"

"Nick, give it –"

"James. James Potter," says James. He hears the frustrated voice of his girlfriend, tinny in his ear.

"Would you _give _the phone –"

"Some bloke called James," Nick says, curling his lip in confusion.

Lily lets out a sound of exasperation, lunging across the sofa and trying to tackle the phone out of his hands. "You git. Let me talk to him –"

"Nicolas!" A booming voice resounds down the phone into the receiver and James listens with amusement. "Give Lily the phone."

"_Dad!_"

Lily flashes her Uncle John a smile and thanks him, grabbing the phone out of her cousin's hands. "Hi," she breathes, and James' face lights up at the sound of her voice. Sirius sniggers and Peter hits him, and Sirius hits him back. Remus glares at the pair of them.

"Stop it," he hisses. "We're cramped enough in here without the two of you pratting around."

(In all fairness, it's Remus' fault they're so cramped. He'd insisted on staying in the phone box with James – who'd never used a Muggle telephone before – and the others didn't want to be left out.)

"_Pratting around?_" snorts Sirius. "That isn't even a word."

"Actually it's two words," Peter points out thoughtfully, and James kicks them.

Attempting calm, the boy replies: "Alright, Evans?"

"Who is it?" Anne, Nick's sister, asks, and Lily sighs in annoyance.

A gruff protection creeping into his voice, Nick says, "Is he your boyfriend?"

Anne's daughter Ellie pipes up: "Have you got a _boyfriend_?"

"Shut up!" Lily grits out, and she tugs the phone and cord away from them all.

"Hi, James," she says, with a pointed look at her relatives. The siblings share a twin look of mischief at their cousin's agitation.

"Hi," he replies, grinning. "How're things at your end?"

Lily stifles a groan. "Fantastic. Thank you so much, by the way."

James' grin widens. "You liked it, then?"

"It's gorgeous," Lily gushes, lifting up her wrist to admire the bracelet James had got her. "I can't believe you bought it, James, it must have cost a fortune."

He shrugs, then realises she can't see him. "Don't worry about it, Lil. You're worth it."

Sirius promptly declares he needs air and stumbles out of the phone box, freeing the other two. He puts his fingers up and mouths _ten minutes, Prongs,_ and they amble off into the snow, hands in pockets.

"Are they there _with you_?" asks Lily, and she's faintly amused by the prospect.

"Were," James replies, "but they've buggered off now. Thanks for my present too."

Lily bites her lip anxiously. "Was it the one you wanted?"

"It was perfect," he says, and he means it.

With a surreptitious glance at her family, who've gone back to playing with the cards, Lily brings the mouthpiece closer to her. Shielding it with her hand and lowering her voice, she murmurs, "That's not all of it, you know."

"Mm?"

"I have something else to give you at New Year. In person," she says, and James can hear the suggestion in her voice.

"Oh?" he says, trying to keep the excitement out of _his _voice.

"But it's a surprise. I couldn't possibly say," she whispers, and she feels like giggling.

(She wonders when she started giggling, because she is _not _the giggling type.)

"The suspense is killing me, Lil."

"I'm sure. Look, James, I gotta go, because my cousins are giving me evil looks and I'm not sure I'm going to get out of the holidays alive. But I'll see you at Marlene's, alright? Lord knows how you'll get past McGonagall, but if you're not there I will –" she lowered her voice again "– hex your sorry arse when I get back to school."

"I'll be there," he promises. "Six days," he adds, and then winces. "Not that I'm counting."

She laughs. "Don't worry, love. I'm crossing off the days on my calendar too."

"Glad to hear it," he teases, and, "I'll talk to you with the mirrors later, yeah?"

"Yeah," confirms Lily. "Alright. See you, James."

"Love you, Lil."

When she replies, he can hear the smile in her voice. "Love you too."


	12. twelve - kindness

**twelve - kindness**

Lily's thirteen and in Potions when she first notices James Potter's eyes on her - properly on her, not just a passing glance or a _could I have the mashed potatoes_? He gazes at her, all hazel and blinking innocence, as if he has never seen her before in his life. If she just turns her head and watches from her periphery vision she can keep her eyes on him too, and she can feel that his unwavering stare is tracing her form.

(She blushes, and tries to fight the redness steadily making its way to her cheeks which just makes it far worse.)

He takes in her copper hair, bright green eyes; the way her lips roll into a pout as she concentrates; the way her delicate fingers tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, the freckle on said ear; her loose fitting robes and shiny black patent shoes.

He's just looking, for now, and although there isn't any hidden agenda, it makes her stomach swirl in equal measures of pleasure and suspicion.

She next feels it at dinner that evening, and this time it _is_ a _could you pass the mashed potatoes? _but it's from Remus. Lily hands them over with a smile and James wishes he could be on the receiving end of her kindness for just a moment. Lily catches his eye just for a moment and he looks away, embarrassed at having been caught. James turns back to the conversation and Sirius jabs his fork in the air, pointing it at the messy-haired boy.

"Why," he asks, through a mouthful of steak and kidney pie, "are you staring at Evans? You've been goggling at her all day."

James shrugs and shovels a spoonful of peas into his mouth. "Dunno. Don't you think she's kind of - I don't know - nice?" he says.

Peter turns to look at Lily and James elbows him. "Don't look now," he hisses. "How obvious d'you wanna be?"

The other three laugh at the irony of James' statement and he glares at them, returning to his food and stabbing a carrot with an unwarranted amount of venom.

When they have finished dinner the puddings rise up and James reaches for the treacle tart at the same time as Lily.

"Sorry," she says brightly.

He stares at her for a second. "What?" James asks.

Lily frowns at him. "I said sorry. You know, for - we both reached for it at the same time."

(James doesn't quite know how to respond. He's been staring at her all day and now she's talking to him and smiling at him - bloody Merlin, that _smile_ and her kindness is directed at him, this time, not Remus, and -)

"Thanks. I mean, it's okay," he garbles, and pushes the plate over to her, chastising his mouth for speaking without first consulting his brain. He blushes a little. "You - you know."

She thanks him and cuts herself a slice, and by the time he's pulled himself together enough to get his dessert, he's endured at least a whole minute of ribbing from Sirius.

"Shut up," he mumbles, uncharacteristically self-conscious, and he absently stirs his spoon around his bowl. When he looks up, Lily's looking at him, and he swears he can see the faintest trace of a blush on her face but she quickly turns back to her friends.

"You alright, mate?" Peter asks, in response to the grin on James' face.

"Yeah," he says, swallowing a mouthful of treacle tart. "I'm just fine."

* * *

**a/n: **no carrots were harmed in the writing of this chapter. Also this is for Sarah because she's the best.


	13. thirteen - listless

**warnings: **strong language and a trigger-ish topic I should probably warn you about. If you feel it best I can put the rating up.

**thirteen – listless**

Lily walks listlessly along the pavement and turns left up the path to the cottage she shares with James. She stumbles on a loose paving stone and rights herself, brushing hair out of her face and fumbling in her bag for her keys. With her other hand she slides her wand from the inner pocket of her coat and, unlocking the door, steps inside. As she wipes her boots on the mat James opens the lounge door, a worried look on his face. His wand is pointing – somewhat half-heartedly – at her.

"Where did we go the first weekend we started dating?" he asks.

She looks away, dumping her bag, keys and scarf at the foot of the stairs, hanging her coat on the hook, pushing past him, heading into the living room. Her monotonous reply floats by him as she moves: _Gladrags, so I could help you find a birthday present for your Mum._

James tosses his wand on the sofa and heads nearer to her with eyes full of concern but she takes a step back. Lily hits the dining table and, dropping her wand down, leans against it, hands gripping the edge tightly as if she's afraid of falling down.

(She is.)

He reaches out. "Lily?"

She brings a shaking hand to her mouth. "Oh God," she chokes. James' eyes widen and he can hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears.

"Lil?" he whispers.

"James, I -" She lets out another choked sob and screws her face up in her hands. "I'm pregnant."

The words are muffled by her fingers and he frowns. "What?"

(He heard her, loud and clear.)

Lily looks up at him. Tears sparkle in her eyes. "I'm pregnant."

A chill rises through his body and his heart pounds – even louder than it was before – and his breathing stops and he can feel the room flying away. All he can focus on is Lily's mouth moving, framing the sounds. She pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and tugs on it with her teeth. Her face echoes blind panic, and that's all he can feel. "_Fuck_. How?"

This seems to kick her into action and she pushes away from the table, hands tugging through her hair, releasing more strands that fall from the knot at her neck. "I don't know! I don't – well, I mean, I know _how_ but I don't –" Lily bites her lip again, gnawing at it with her teeth. "When you came back, I think. I knew we wouldn't be – for weeks while you were gone so I didn't take anything and then when you came back we got so caught up and –"

James lets out a breath and throws himself on the sofa. He too runs a hand through his hair.

"So how long?" he asks, the shock rendering him capable of only limited speech.

(He's nineteen. He's _nineteen_.)

"About six weeks, I think." She looks at him, tears brimming it her eyes and dread written on her face. "I'm so sorry," she whispers.

His eyes flicker to hers. "What?"

"I'm sorry," she sobs. "It's my fault and I completely understand if you –"

"_Lily_," he says sharply. He walks over to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. "Lily, look at me. I – we're in this together, okay? We fucked up –" an ironic chuckle escapes his lips "– but we fucked up together. Alright?"

She runs a hand over her mouth and nods slowly. James walks her to the sofa and they sit down, not quite touching. After a moment he swallows and Lily watches his Adam's apple bob up and down. "What do you want to do?"

She snaps her eyes away and she stares morosely at the fireplace. The coal is dull and black. "I can't have baby, James." He picks up his wand and points it to where she's looking, and flames roar up in the grate. "_We _can't. We're nineteen. We have no parents to support us and – Jesus, we're fighting on the front line of a _war_. We can't have a baby."

James digests what she's just said. He speaks quietly. "We could if – Lily, if you take a step back, if you stopped going out on missions then we could do it. I could come home, too, and we could do it. We could make it work."

The ferocity in her gaze stops him. "I am _not _stopping fighting."

He raises his hands in surrender. "Okay. Merlin." He lets out a ragged breath. "Do you want it, Lily?"

"James, I don't know!" She reaches out to him and takes his hand. "I don't know because there's all these things flying around my head telling me _no _and I really, really don't think I can do it but I know you'll be there and – bloody hell, I can't get rid of it. I don't even know where the nearest clinic is."

James sits up straighter, panic in his eyes once more. "What?"

Lily slumps against him, mumbling. "It's a Muggle thing, but I suppose there's a wizarding equivalent. I don't know. I've never had to think about it before."

"Lily, what are you talking about?"

"It's irrelevant," she says, voice stronger. "I'm not doing it."

James shakes his head and she feels the movement against her. "We're going through with it, then? We're having a baby?"

For a moment the ghost of a smile flickers across her lips. "_I'm _having the baby, mate. You get the easy part."

He rests his cheek against her hair and strokes his thumb along the line of their entwined hands. "You know I have no idea what I'm doing, right?"

Lily looks up at him. "And I do?" She kisses him gently. "It's like you said. We fucked up, James. But we fucked up together."


	14. fourteen - morbid

**fourteen – morbid**

Aurors swarm around the Atrium, wands raised, _protego totalum _spilling from lips everywhere, stabilising structures, fixing the fountain, putting up anti-Apparition wards. Order members arrive through the Floo and as he scans the hall James finds a bruised Lily supporting his barely conscious father.

He races over to the pair of them, pushing thoughts as to why they're both at the Ministry in the first place to the back of his mind and helps her carry Henry's weight.

"He saved my life, James," is all she says.

(As James finds out later, Lily was at the Ministry because Henry had owled her, asking her to meet him in his office, even though he wasn't to leave the comfort of the manor, Healer's orders.)

Henry Potter is not a man to let things drop – it would have done him no good as Head of the Department for Magical Law Enforcement – and he's unsuccessfully tried to talk James around, but the boy is as stubborn and single-minded and loyal as he himself. Lily had patiently listened to his (bigoted prejudiced _hurtful_) point of view and they had been heading back to the main entrance when the attack had happened. Despite his reservations, Henry knew that if anything ever happened to Lily James would be beside himself, and that's why he shoved her roughly to the ground, throwing himself in front of her to block the flickering purple flame from the other's wand.

"He saved my life."

"Dad," James says sharply, ignoring Lily, "let's get you to a Healer."

(Last time father and son had met, things had turned sour quickly and James had left with a yell and the slam of a door.)

"Come with me," Henry rasps, and James sees the vulnerability flaring in his father's eyes.

James nods and presses his lips together. Lily extends her hand to Henry and they help him out of the Ministry, Apparating to St Mungo's when Henry feels strong enough.

When they arrive the Welcomewitch points them to the right floor and James helps his father to the bed while Lily explains what happened to the Healers. One of them steps forward and points out that Lily herself is bleeding and stays to tend to her while the other two bustle over to Henry's bed, putting up a Privacy Charm that ripples the air, distorting the image, to block him from view.

James finds Lily sitting on a bed as a trainee Healer prods at her face, dabbing it with some kind of gloopy blue substance which, she says, is supposed to reduce infection.

Lily winces.

Later the Healer steps out from behind the charm and comes over to where Lily and James are waiting for Henry. He introduces himself as Richard Boore and informs them that although the spell damage Henry received had considerably weakened him, the Pain-Killing Potions he was prescribed had given him some protection, and so fortunately it was not fatal.

"It's strange," Boore muses, "that he was hit in the arm. It's an unlikely target for a Dark spell. Usually they aim for the chest or head, sometimes the stomach."

Lily swallows and leans her head on James' shoulder. "It wasn't meant for him," she says quietly. "Whoever it was was aiming for me, probably just as you said –" she inclines her head towards Boore "– but he pushed me out the way. He saved my life."

"An honourable man, is Mr Potter," says Boore. "You should be proud that he's your father. You may see him, if you wish."

James bites back a retort. When they get to the seats at his bedside, his eyes are closed and his breathing is shallow. James reaches out and touches his hand briefly before retracting his arm and Henry's fingers twitch.

"James."

He leans forward, elbows on knees, fingertips together, pressed against his lips. "Why'd you do it?" asks James bluntly.

"Haven't got long left, son," Henry intones morbidly, attempting a laugh. "Might as well do something with my sorry old life while I still can, eh?"

"I don't –"

Wryly: "It's the Potter hero-complex, lad." James' eyes close for a moment and when they flutter open it's as if he's seeing his father in a different light. "You'll come to hate it soon enough."

"Dad..."

"No, James, you were right. I'd forgotten what I'd taught you and I'd forgotten what your mother fought for. I'm sorry."

James reaches out and takes his father's hand, all the acceptance that Henry needs. He settles more into the pillow and sleeps on into the night.

* * *

**a/n:** you'll find out what went down in between James and his Dad in a later chapter, you lucky things.


	15. fifteen - nonplussed

**a/n: **for Tajee165 because she's awesome. Also thank you to Super Cara for pointing out a plot hole (I forget you lot aren't in my head sometimes; really, you should count yourself lucky): I reckon the Head's dorms work slightly differently; because they move around from House to House each year they have a Portrait Hole/password type admittance or when the owner is in the room they can allow anyone access from inside. Any other explanation will do. James is a clever lad.

**fifteen – nonplussed**

James dumps his bag by the portrait hole, ignoring the yelp of a first-year whose foot he's just crushed under the weight of his backpack, and walks over to his girlfriend's dorm.

He knocks once and leans against the doorframe, also disregarding Sirius' wolf-whistles from across her room. Lily opens the door and he grins at her, and she blinks at him and steps back, allowing him over the threshold.

Lily crosses the room and sits on her bed, sullen.

James is knocked for six. The last time she'd slipped a note into his robe pocket asking him to meet her somewhere it'd been so they could snog in the Runes classroom on the fourth-floor, but there's something in the way she's watching him that tells him she really isn't in the mood.

She clears her throat.

He slips out of his shoes – he knows she hates it when he tracks muddy footprints across her floor – and pads over to the bed, sitting next to her. The mattress squeaks slightly and he looks at her, running his thumb across her cheekbone.

"Are you alright?" he asks softly.

Lily jerks away from his touch and scrambles up on the bed, hugging her pillow.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks.

James blinks. Nonplussed: "What?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeats, her tone sharper.

He's wary now. "About what?"

"Oh, I don't know: that you're an illegal Animagus?"

The room is deadly silent apart from the ticking of her alarm clock and the pounding of his heart in his ears.

"_Shit,_" he whispers, and "Lil – Lily -"

She looks at him, jaw set, and he realises how much he's hurt her; it's in her eyes.

"How did you -" he stops, cursing. "Who -"

Lily frowns, unable to speak. And then suddenly, she can't contain it: "Apparently Sirius mentioned it to Remus who felt it his responsibility to apologise and tell me that he was sorry and he completely understood if I never wanted to talk to him again. Naturally I asked what the hell he was talking about and he said, '_You know, _Prongs_. A stag. You've seen his Patronus, Lily. It's the same._' and I said, '_What's the same?_' and he said, '_His Animagus form,_' looking at me like I was an idiot."

James rubs a hand over his face and crawls towards her a little more. "Lil -"

"So I said, '_Whose Animagus form?_' and he said, '_James,_' just like that. So I said, '_James is an Animagus?_' and he nodded, and then he realised that I didn't know and he'd just blurted out this whole confession and clapped his hand over his mouth. '_Shit,_' he whispered. And then he made me promise not to castrate you." James' eyes snap to hers and he swallows. "I didn't agree," says Lily, and she glares at him.

"Shit," he repeats, sighing. "Lil, I was -"

"Don't 'Lil' me, Potter."

"I was going to tell you, _Lily_, I was. I promise. I was going to tell you before the next full moon because we've been together for a while and Remus trusts you, clearly – of course I bloody trust you, don't look at me like that – but it's not just my secret to tell, okay? It implicates my best mates as law-breakers. I can't just say that to someone. I can't."

Lily's quiet for moment. Then she closes her eyes and crosses her legs, her chin resting in her palm. "I don't _care _about the fact that it's illegal or dangerous or incredibly stupid and difficult and such a bloody typical James Potter thing to do, James, I don't, okay? I just – I understand what you're saying, but you lied to me." Lily exhales heavily. "I just don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"_What?_ Lily -"

"James, I have no idea what other things you still haven't told me."

"That's it. I promise. That's the only thing, Lil. No more – what d'ya call 'em? – bons."

She stares at the wall behind his head and bites her lip. "I _know _I'm over-reacting, okay? I _know_ you were doing it for Remus, and you bloody wouldn't do anything else, would you? I _know_ you couldn't tell me. But none of that makes me feel any better, and I don't want you coming and hugging me and apologising and telling me it'll be okay and that you aren't going to drop any more bloody _bombs_ and calling me Lil. I just need some time to – to get used to it."

James glances at her. "Okay." He budges up tentatively on the bed and stretches his fingers to meet hers.

She looks at him for a long time. Finally, and with a slight smile: "Prongs."

He takes this as acceptance and scoots all the way over to her, wrapping her in his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, lips to her hair. "I wanted to tell you."

Lily leans up and kisses him. "I know. And I _do_ trust you. Really. I do."

She receives a grin in response, and when he kisses her she decides that it _is _quite impressive.

(She'll never tell him that, though.)


	16. sixteen - patience

**sixteen – patience**

"Alright, Evans?"

Lily looks up from Marlene's smuggled copy of _The Female Eunuch_ that her mother had expressly forbade her from reading with a suspicious eyebrow raised. "What do you want?" she asks, turning a page.

"I'm bored," James declares. "Moony - Remus, I mean, is catching up the Arithmancy notes in the library, Pete's got some bird on the go -"

"Peter and Janet have been dating for three months, James."

"- and Sirius, the little berk that he is, has got a detention. And it's with McGonagall, too, so he doesn't stand a chance of being let out early." Lily gives him a reprimanding look and he holds his hands up. "You know how it is, Evans. A sweet word to the ladies and he's home and bloody dry."

Lily shakes her head and returns to her – Marlene's – book.

"So what can I do for you?"

"_Well_," he begins, but the reprimanding look returns and he tries a different tack. "What're you reading?"

"Germaine Greer," says Lily patiently, holding the book up so he can see the cover. "Feminist," she adds, and glares when James makes a derisive noise in the back of his throat. "_I_ think she's brilliant, and she knows what she's talking about, but..." Lily looks down at the book and snaps it shut, bookmark in place. "It just doesn't seem as - I don't know - important? To me, right now, being hated for being Muggle-born is at the top of my list, and being a woman second, I suppose."

James leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Why are you reading it, then?"

"Cause Mar would have my head if I didn't," she says, and then, "and because I want to."

James raises a sceptical eyebrow.

"I do," Lily protests. "But she doesn't understand. She's a half-blood from a respectable family, and she's a Ravenclaw with respectable marks. She doesn't understand because she _can't_ understand, you know?"

James scrunches his glasses up on his nose. "I suppose," he says noncommittally. "But she still believes in it, right?"

"Which?" Lily questions, placing the book on the coffee table and bringing her legs up underneath her. "Gender equality, or blood-status?"

"Both," James shrugs, "but I meant the blood-status thing. I mean, you don't have to be Muggle-born to know that Pureblood elitism is wrong – majorly wrong – and that everyone with magic in their veins should be free to own a wand. If you're born with magic, it's an inherent part of you, isn't it? You can't reverse being a witch or a wizard with a simple _obliviate_."

He flops back into the sofa cushions and Lily regards him.

"We're not talking about Marlene anymore, are we?" she says finally.

He breathes deeply. "Maybe not," James agrees, "but it's everyone's fight, Lily. It's everyone's responsibility. Regardless of her blood-status, she should have the opportunity to speak about her beliefs."

Lily's silent for a moment. "So Dark wizards and witches can spout whatever they want without criticism, then?"

Consideration breaks out on James' face. "I know what you're getting at, but - yes. If what we want is truly equality within Wizard-kind, then everyone should have their say. Even if it is prejudiced bullshit."

Lily sighs. "There's the James Potter we all know. I was scared you'd gone a bit John Lennon on me then. _Imagine all the people_, and whatnot. "

James gives her a confused glance. "The Beatles bloke?"

Lily snorts. "Honestly, if you could hear yourself. But yes. It's a Muggle song about peace," Lily explains with a wave of her hand. "I reckon you were channelling your inner hippie." They're both quiet for a time, the first-years playing Exploding Snap and third-years' Gobstones tournament breaking the silence.

"Why do you believe in blood-status equality?" she asks. "You're a Pureblood. You could have it all."

He gives her a wry smile. "It's not all it's cracked up to be. But it's how my parents raised me, I suppose. They fought against Grindlewald and saw the prejudice then. They wanted it to stop."

As Lily digests this new information the Fat Lady admits a slime covered Sirius to the common room. James roars with laughter.

"Shut it, Potter," Sirius growls. "I've just spent the last hour returning frogs to their normal state after a bunch of second-years attempted Transfiguration. I'm not happy."

At this Lily joins James in a fit of giggles and Sirius sends the pair of them a withering stare.

(Later, when she's lying in bed, Lily can't help remembering that their laughter twisted together in perfect harmony.)


	17. seventeen - practical

**seventeen - practical**

Lily exhales shakily and tries to stand. She leans back on weak arms and pushes herself up, wincing at the twinges in her side as she twists upwards. _Help_ mews past her frozen lips and she stumbles, pitching forward dangerously.

Collapsing on the ground, she coughs, whispering, "_Expecto Patronum_." The silver doe flickers feebly and dies, reproachful eyes pouring sadness as they glance at Lily.

She adjusts her leg to make herself more comfortable - as much as she can on a gravelly road with a broken ankle.

"_Expecto Patronum_."

Lily raises her eyes to the sky, heart beginning to thump in her chest. She tries a non-verbal Healing Charm on her ankle, conjuring a splint, and she grits her teeth. She's too weak to Apparate and too tired to send for help, so she's going to have to wait it out.

As she lies on the hard ground she wonders what had gone wrong. The Death Eaters knew exactly where they would be and they were outnumbered from the start and they'd had to fight from the off, Apparating on order when the battle turned out of their favour. Moody wasn't prepared to sacrifice anyone, not now they'd lost so many.

It's a sobering thought.

One word weaves itself through her mind: betrayal.

Sirius' image also springs to mind although she shakes her head to clear it. They were matched; they were partners; and although he's left her she's not exactly tending his every whim right now.

The cold wind blows the little remaining smoke into her eyes and she tugs her jumper closer around her at the chill. Her sight has cleared and she sees a limping figure coming towards her: she grips her wand with what little strength she has left -

"Put it away, Evans."

Relief flutters in her heart but she steadies her voice. "What form is -"

"Put it away," he repeats, reaching her. There's a long gash in his leg but it's not bleeding and before he sits next to her he shrugs off his jacket, wrapping it around her shoulders. "If I was a Death Eater I'd've killed you by now."

Lily snorts, then winces. "You might get your wish."

Sirius frowns. "You might have taken a lot of _crucios_, Evans," he murmurs, and after a moment of deliberation he puts an arm around her, "but that doesn't give you the right to die on my watch. James'd skin me alive."

She leans into him. They're quiet for a moment before she speaks up, voice rusty. "I mean it."

Sirius shakes his head. "You're not going anywhere. Can you Apparate?"

A murmur: "Doubt it."

He makes a sound of assent and sighs quietly. Sirius rubs her arm to keep her warm and she gasps, face contorting. "What happened?" he asks immediately.

She shakes her head against his chest and he peels his jacket back, revealing a deep wound stretching along her forearm from her wrist to her elbow that's bleeding profusely.

Sirius pulls his wand and conjures a long strip of fabric to wind round her arm.

"Ever practical, you are," Lily shivers, and grits her teeth as the makeshift bandage touches the cut.

He flashes her a grin but it fades when he sees her eyes fluttering shut.

"Evans?" He shakes her gently by the shoulders.

Her eyes flicker open and she gives him a tiny nod.

"Li - Lily, stay with me."

She squeezes his fingers briefly.

Sirius feels her body go limp in his arms.

"Lily?" he whispers. "Shit." Trying not to disturb her too much, he wiggles around, retrieving the mirror from his back pocket. He catches his skin on the edge and it tears a jagged line in his thumb. "_Shit_. Lily?"

She's unresponsive, and Sirius hisses James' name into the mirror. "Prongs! James Potter, I swear to Merlin, get your ugly -"

"Padfoot! You two were supposed to be back hours ago. Where the _hell_ are you?"

"Still at Crawford's Cross - listen, Prongs, it's Lily -"

James' face vanishes and there's the crack of Apparition resonating over the mirror. Sirius sighs.

"Thank _Merlin_."


	18. eighteen - quiver

**eighteen - quiver****  
**

(Their house is full of sadness.)

The clock chimes on the mantel piece, marking four o'clock, and Harry sits on the rug in the front room, chewing on a soft Snitch toy; he's unknowing.

James stands with the letter grasped firmly in his hand, knuckles clenched so tight around the sheet they've turned white.

Lily sinks into the sofa, wrapping her cardigan around her body as if to protect herself from the news; there's an ache in her heart and she turns to look out the window.

Marlene lies dead in her house, found slaughtered alongside her brother Matthew, her mother and father.

"_Merlin_," James breathes. "Matt – Marlene…."

The note flutters out of his hand as he lurches to the sofa, steadying himself on the arm.

Harry crawls towards the paper and picks it up, aiming a questioning look at James with wide eyes. He babbles unintelligibly and as he moves back to his Snitch, he sits on the paper. It won't budge and he tugs it, tearing it a little.

"No, Harry, give that to Daddy –" says James distractedly.

Shivers run up and down Lily's spine and, leaning back into James' shoulder, she takes a shuddering breath. He pinches the bridge of his nose under his glasses and there's a lump in his throat and he was never brilliantly close with the McKinnons, not as close as Lily, but still he feels like he's falling through grief worse than even when his father died and –

"Da," gurgles Harry, and hands back the paper, now a little wet.

"Thanks, mate," James says, swallowing hard. He puts an arm around Lily, leaning his head on hers. Quietly: "Lil?"

"I can't believe it," she murmurs after a moment. "Marlene. Can I see?"

He hands her the letter and she scans it.

_Prongs,_ it reads, and _bloody hell._

_It's Marlene. All of them, the McKinnons… they're dead. We found them this morning. I won't go into detail but they were in a bad way and I reckon they didn't make it quick. Suspicion's on Karkaroff and Dolohov at the moment, the bastards. I'll write when I know more._

_On a happier note, I've set up an owl to bring over the kid's birthday present. Hopefully I'll be able to make it, but…you know._

_Hope you're all doing fine._

"Are you sure it's him?" asks Lily when she's finished reading.

James nods.

"_Sure?"_

"Lily," James says, strained and letting his anger at the brutal murder of the McKinnons out on his wife, "he addressed it 'Prongs'. He knows it's Harry's birthday. He signed it with a fu - he signed it with a paw print, of course it's Sirius."

"I know, I just…" she stops. "If there was any way…"

James sighs, mumbling into her hair. "I know. I'm sorry."

Lily shakes her head and lets out a shaky breath, eyes welling with tears. "I can't –"

They hold each other for a while, sharing their grief, when Harry pulls himself up and tugs on James' trouser leg, releasing a stream of sounds. Lily looks at him, lip quivering and eyes red but lets out a watery laugh all the same. "Hey, baby," she says, and strokes his cheek.

He grabs the letter again and waves it around in the air happily, giggling, and Lily catches sight of the words on the paper: _Marlene…they're dead…all of them…_

She turns and buries her face in James' chest, body racked with sobs.

Their house is full of sadness, and the clock chimes on the mantel piece, marking half past four.

* * *

**a/n: **next one's not angsty, I swear! Also, on reviews of chapter 17 - part two coming up some time soon.


	19. nineteen - rotten

**nineteen - rotten**

"And so, really, Professor, it was his fault all along," James says simply, leaning back in his chair and shrugging.

Lily makes a sound of derision and the older woman is sure her eye twitches in annoyance.

"Don't listen to him, Professor," Lily insists. "Severus was simply walking along to Defence when Potter fell over his big ego -"

"That practically _screams_ Tripping Jinx, Professor -"

"- and decided to blame it on someone else. So, naturally, what could be better than _Transfiguring_ Sev?"

"That is not how it happened, Professor: she must have got hit by a Confundus Charm in the fray. Snape hexed me and I simply raised my wand in case I needed it when he launched a barrage of curses -"

Lily lets out a scathing laugh. "A 'barrage'? I must admit I'm impressed you can use such a big word properly -"

"You're impressed by me, Evans? That's not all I can do."

Professor McGonagall exhales. "_Potter._ That is inappropriate."

"Sorry. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I was only getting ready to defend myself. He was the first to attack."

Lily twists in her seat to face him. "That's a load of rubbish. You and Black - I saw you jinx him. At least _three_ times."

"Evans! Don't be such a tell-tale tit!" admonishes James.

"Potter!" she mocks, and Professor McGonagall rolls her eyes. "Don't be such a dirty rotten liar, then! I _saw_ you. You drew your wand first. It wasn't his fault."

"He hexed me when my back was turned!"

"Oh, boo hoo. You shouldn't have retaliated!"

Professor McGonagall presses her hands into her eyes tiredly but she's inclined to agree with Lily, always the more rational of the pair when it comes to Severus Snape.

"I wasn't retaliating, Evans," James sighs. "I was practising my Trans-Species Transfiguration. That was the point of today's lesson, wasn't it, Professor?" He looks to the teacher for support. "It's not my fault he ended up as a snake."

Lily snorts inelegantly. "You provoked him throughout the whole session today, Potter, simply because you were bored. You haven't a leg to stand on."

James gestures down to his feet and draws his fingers up to his hips. "Legs," he points out childishly, causing their Head of House to purse her lips. If it weren't so juvenile it'd be amusing, but she's sick to death of the pair of them bickering. "Two of them, Evans. Do you need to borrow my glasses?"

This time Lily rolls her eyes. With faux politeness, "No, thankyou: I can see your ugly mug well enough from here without them."

Incredulous: "You're calling _me_ ugly when you spend all your time with Snivellus -"

"ENOUGH!"

They tear their glares away from each other for a moment and see their teacher, gripping her desk with white knuckles. "Merlin give me strength," she cries. "Never, in all my teaching career, have I seen such _idiotic_ behaviour from such intelligent individuals."

She turns to look at Lily. "Miss Evans. You need to learn when to hold your tongue. You may be able to preach from the moral high ground on behalf of Mr Snape, but slights to Mr Potter's appearance will not be tolerated." James looks annoyingly smug, running a hand through his hair and tossing an arm around the back of Lily's seat. She throws him a withering look.

"I'd wipe that smirk off your face if I were you, Potter," McGonagall reprimands. "You, too, have no right to insult Mr Snape's appearance or call him that spiteful nickname. None of the behaviour you have exhibited this afternoon does any credit to your character. It is beneath you, and you should be ashamed of yourself." He does, at least, have the grace to drop the grin.

"He hexed me first, Professor -"

"I do not _care_ whether he hexed you first, Potter. You should know better than to start a duel in the middle of the corridor. You have a responsibility to the younger pupils as a fifth-year and another student ended up in the Hospital Wing as a result of your immaturity." James looks down, embarrassed for the first time. "Detention, Potter. Come to my office tomorrow evening. Miss Evans, watch your step. Don't let Mr Potter rile you, or it'll be detention for you as well. Do I make myself clear?"

The pair murmur assent and stand, James' arm slipping down to Lily's shoulders as they do so. She shoves him away whole-heartedly, muttering about idiots under her breath, and he saunters down the corridor after her, whistling all the way.


	20. twenty - silence is golden

**a/n:** wishing you all a merry Christmas :3

**disclaimer:** surprisingly, I own none of the songs mentioned.

**twenty – silence is golden**

Madame Pince scurries back to her seat, glasses on the chain bouncing as she moves, and Lily thinks she might burst at the look on James' face.

"She didn't like my singing?" he asks, looking mortally offended, the tinsel tie he has around his neck drooping with his expression.

Lily breaks down, burying her head in her arms in attempt to stop the sound of her giggles. When she's resumed control of herself and wiped the tears from her eyes she realises what James had been humming.

"You listen to Muggle music?" she asks, surprised.

The boy, who had watched her laughing with amusement but dutifully returned to his Arithmancy essay, looks up. "Genius doesn't differentiate," is all he supplies, shrugging.

Lily looks at her work, now a little scrumpled, then back at him, a smile tugging at her lips. "Clearly. Ten Os, wasn't it?"

"Five," he laughs, "three Es and an A. Mustn't grumble. You?"

"Me? Oh. I got - I got six Os and four Es," she says, somewhat sheepishly, and he pokes his tongue out at her.

Lily raises an eyebrow in response and tries to hide her grin. She wants to ask him something more and can feel the words running about her mouth, on the tip of her tongue, begging to be spoken, and the pause has got just a little bit too long when she blurts out, "Don't your parents mind?"

(This time it's Lily who earns a glare from the librarian.)

James looks confused. "About my O.W.L. results?"

"No," she whispers. "About the music, I mean. Muggle music."

"Oh." He puts his quill down. "Not really. I mean, my Mum doesn't much mind. She even invited herself over to one of our Muggle neighbour's houses once so she could watch that thing – you know, the singing show with all the countries."

"Eurovision," Lily supplies, and he nods.

"She wouldn't stop humming _Save Your Kisses For Me_ for weeks after that. And Dad? Well, he does I suppose, but it's not because it's Muggle music. He just doesn't like anything from the sixties onwards." James glances at his hands, a little embarrassed. "He's quite old fashioned like that, I suppose."

He expects her to laugh or scoff but she doesn't. She's looking at him: her eyes are bright and her face alight with fascination.

"I can't believe I've lived with you for over five years and I'm only just finding out you listen to Muggle music," she murmurs.

He shrugs. "I'll listen to anything, really. Besides, Muggles have the best Christmas music."

Lily hums in agreement. "Which is your favourite?"

After a pause, James says, "_I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday_."

Lily fakes a gasp. "What a surprise," she says wryly. "The wizard picks Wizzard. Sure I can't tempt you with a bit of Slade? The Jackson 5? Good old Elton?"

"Ha ha," he intones. "It's a good song. Why?" He pokes her. "What's yours, then?"

She deliberates, chewing the end of her Christmas Candy Quill thoughtfully. "_Gaudete_."

James scoffs. "That's not a proper Christmas song, Evans."

"Is too. My Dad used to love it." James' face sobers at her words but he remains unconvinced. "Alright. _Happy Christmas, War Is Over_. John and Yoko."

"You have a bit of a thing about him, don't you?" remarks James.

"You have a bit of a thing for Debbie Harry," Lily shoots back. "Or _Santa Baby, _James."

"Very sultry," he comments, trying to hide the flush racing along his throat. The thought of Lily singing along to –

He bends his head, returning to his Arithmancy essay. "I think," he says after a pause, "the most annoying Christmas song is that _Twelve Days_ rubbish. It's very irritating."

Had James looked up he would have seen the mischievous glint in Lily's eye, but he doesn't, and she smirks. After sitting in silence for a while, she gets up to retrieve a Potions tome from a bookshelf. As she puts it down on the table they're sharing she leans close to James and whispers, "_On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me –"_

He looks up quickly, amusement in his hazel eyes, and puts a finger to her lips. "Don't," he warns. "It'll be in my head for days."

Lily ignores the rush of his skin touching hers and blinks innocently, sitting down.

"_A partridge in a pear tree! On the second day of Christmas my true love sent two me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!_" She laughs at his expression, struggling to continue. "_On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree! On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!_"

James glares at her and across the room, the beady-eyed librarian's head jerks up.

"_On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me_ –" and she waits a moment longer before clearing her throat and -

"_Fiiive gold rings –!"_

"_This__is a library!_" Madame Pince hisses, materialising at the side of their desk looking waspish. "Silence is_ golden_ here! If the two of you wish to start a choir, I suggest you go and talk to Professor Flitwick." Lily bites her lip to contain her giggles and one glance at James tells her he's about to burst too. "Now shush!"


	21. twenty-one - suffocated

**a/n: **the conversation they're referring to is from _Pax_, one of my other fics (shameless self-promo), but it's not really necessary for you to have read.

**twenty-one – suffocated**

James looks over at Sirius, who's lounging on his bed with the hangings hooked back, and he knows he needs to say something, because things haven't been the same between them since he started going out with Lily, really. He frowns at _Transfiguration Tribulations: how to avoid the pitfalls of NEWT level Transfiguration!_ and scribbles a few words, then, taking a breath and aiming for would-be casual, mentions, "She told me about the after-party."

Sirius is pouring over page three of a copy of _The Sun_ (he'd asked James to get him the Muggle newspaper at King's Cross when he went down to drop off Lily for the Christmas holidays) and doesn't look up. "What?"

"Lily," James reiterates patiently. "She told me about you two...talking the night of the Quidditch after-party."

"What a grass." His gaze doesn't move to his best friend, but his eyes stop flickering over the page. "Remind me not to talk to her again, yeah?"

James throws his quill down, closing the textbook he had been attempting to make notes from. Truth is, it's been playing on his mind for some time now and he doesn't want it to drag on any longer. A straight and to the point kind of bloke he is - which possibly explained why he'd asked Lily out when he had her best friend strung up in a tree not five feet away.

He tries to repress that memory, he really does.

"Why can't you just -" James breaks off. "Look...thanks," he tries. "For - well, you know."

Now Sirius looks over.

"What?" he repeats.

James shuffles uncomfortably. "Thanks, mate. For talking to Lily."

Padfoot shrugs. "Oh. S'alright."

"I mean it." The Head Boy crosses the room to his old four-poster and sits down on the edge of the mattress, kicking off his shoes. "I know you don't really like her. But it means a lot. So…thanks."

There's a pause while Sirius tries to articulate what he wants to say. "It's not that, Prongs." James receives his friend's undivided attention for the first time. "I just - we're different. That's all. It's been weird, not having you here, and you're always with her even when I do see you, and..." he trailed off. What he really wants to say is _I miss you, Prongs, and I don't want to lose you to some girl because you're my best mate and in a funny kind of way I love you_, but he doesn't know how to express it without James calling him a wet blanket and tossing a pillow at his head. And besides, it isn't just any girl, is it? It's Lily bloody Evans.

"I'm not with her all the time, Padfoot."

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Name an occasion when you're not with her. Taking a piss doesn't count."

James thinks for a moment. "Quidditch."

"Nah, she comes to practises. I've seen her."

"Only some." James sees the look Sirius gives him. "Fine. Thursday evenings."

"You patrol on Thursday evenings," Padfoot points out.

"Yes, but before patrols she takes Further Charms, so I don't see her then."

Sirius takes it back. He suddenly thinks James might be the pathetic one.

"She's got you wrapped around her wand good and proper, hasn't she?"

"No," he protests. "I just like spending time with her."

"There's a difference between spending time with someone and being joined at the bloody hip."

"We are _not_ -"

"You gave her the sodding two-way mirrors to take home over the hols so you could still speak to her, Prongs!"

"Three weeks is a long time, _and_ it's Christmas." James is on the defensive, but he's also getting annoyed at the other boy's childishness.

"You have other people here to 'spend time with', mate. Moony. Pete." He pauses. "Me."

Sirius winces at how needy he sounds and turns his attention back to the newspaper on the bed in front of him.

"Padfoot, you're starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend, you know."

"I'm just saying."

"Right."

There's silence. James sighs, sprawling forward into the pillow. Sirius turns a page and asks, "You aren't trying to suffocate yourself, are you?"

The reply is muffled. "No."

* * *

**a/n: **_The Sun_ is a British tabloid newspaper, and on page three they feature topless women known as page-three girls. It seemed like something Sirius would be interested in seeing as he has pictures of "scantily-clad Muggle girls" on his bedroom wall. Also this might be the last update for a while (cry cry) because I have exams coming up in January so I gotta get my head into my books. Leave me reviews? :3


	22. twenty-two - torn

**a/n: **aand I'm back! Sorry about the month long wait kiddies. Have some fluff. It's practically a drabble, but it's better than nothing, right? *screams internally*

**twenty-two – torn**

It really has been quite a nice day, she decides. James has got her hand in his and let her have his scarf even though she protested that it's only November, and he hums as they walk through the street of Hogsmeade.

They're ambling back to the castle (sort of: they _might _have made a few detours along the way – the most productive being the stop in Honeydukes, her favourite being the stop in the secluded corner by The Three Broomsticks where he'd snogged her senseless) when James tugs her to a bench at the side of the lane and pulls her down on top of him. He offers her the bag.

She grins at him and then _he _can't help but grin at her tongue poking out while she chooses a cake.

"What?" she asks, spotting him laughing.

"Nothing," he murmurs, pressing his lips to hers. "Just you. Being gorgeous."

She rolls her eyes and pokes him. "Don't start."

He raises his hands in a gesture of innocence as she begins to peel back the wrapping of the cake with gloved fingers. James shifts a bit, sitting further back into the bench, and Lily slides closer into him. He hugs her and plants a kiss on her cheek and _love you, Lil_.

She nestles her head on his shoulder and sighs as she takes a bite. "Love you too," she smiles, holding out the cake for him to share. They sit together for a while, eating and kissing and hugging and touching. Lily nibbles around the edge of the cake, trying to keep the middle intact, and when she's not looking James takes a bite from the part she was saving.

Lily's mouth drops open and he grins at her. "You little – oi! I was saving that! Now only the horrible bit's left..."

James snorts, swallowing his mouthful. "It's a Cauldron Cake, Evans; it's the same everywhere. Well, apart from in the middle."

She glowers at him. "Exactly! You know for well, Potter –" she jabs her finger at him "– that you just ate the bit that I wanted and left me the outside bit, you prick."

"Language, Evans," he smirks, licking his fingers.

"You have icing on your nose," she points out childishly.

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to eat that last bit?"

Lily sighs. "I'm torn. Because on the one hand I don't _like _it, but on the other hand I don't want you to have it because you're a greedy git and you ate my favourite bit already."

"I resent that," he says, kissing her.

A small moan escapes her lips and she murmurs, "Do you have anything else you resent me for? Now would be an excellent time to share."

He chuckles and slides a hand up her back, the other one plucking the wrapper from her fingers and dropping it on the bench beside them. "Tons. Should I spell them out or just keep snogging you?"

Lily runs her hand through his hair and presses herself closer to him. "Snogging sounds good."


	23. twenty-three - violation

**a/n: **should practise, as in Quidditch practise, be 'practise' or 'practice'? I never know whyyy it's sO CONFUSING ugh

**disclaimer: **if I owned anything to do with The Rocky Horror (Pitcure) Show I would be a lot older and richer than I am now. So no. I don't own.

**twenty-three - violation**

James realises, when the song begins to play and the guitar thrums through the common room, just how many Muggle-borns there are in Gryffindor, because they all look up at the sound. Not that it matters to him, of course; they're just as capable as him and just as entitled to be there, but in some ways he is a little jealous that they can effortlessly mould between their two worlds: if he was stuck in a Muggle house he'd probably have burnt the thing to the ground within a day.

"It's astounding," the voice on the record drawls, and James has to agree with them. Really, though, there's one girl who he thinks is more astounding than the others, and she's looking right at him.

Biting her lip, she turns back to Mary and Judy who are both singing along, jumping around in time to the beat. _Not for very much longer,_ they sing, along with a new voice on the record, and fall about laughing, attracting the attention of most of the Gryffindors.

Timothy Marshall and Ed Atherton, seventh-years who are good enough at Quidditch for James to have given them places on the team but obnoxious enough for him to want to whack them with their Beater's bats at the end of every practise, are heading over to the three sixth-year girls, drinks in hands.

James turns back to his mates as the song picks up a bit, grabbing a Firewhiskey shot from Peter. They're downing them together, Peter patting him on the back, congratulating him on the team's win, when Lily jumps in front of him, rather to close for James to be able to breath properly. She's got her legs apart and one knee bent and her arms propped at a weird angle, and James is starting to doubt her sanity when_ let's do the time warp again!_

"Evans?"

She grabs him by the arm and drags him away from the edge of the common room toward the others. "C'mon, dance with me. I'll teach you."

"I don't -"

He stops protesting when she slips her hand in his and stands directly in front of him. He can count the freckles dusting her cheeks and there's a small strand of hair falling in front of her right eye and they're twinkling and looking straight at him and if he leaned down just a _tad_ then he could -

"Let's do the time warp again!"

Or not.

"It's just a jump to the left," Lily tells him, in time with the song and jumping to the left, crouching down, wiggling her hands, "and then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight."

"Evans -" She pulls his hands over each other, crossing and uncrossing them, laughing at the protest written on his face.

"With your hands on your hips -" she places hers on his "- you bring your knees in ti-i-ight!" Lily knocks her knees together but keeps her feet apart, raising her eyebrows until he does the same. "But it's the pelvic thrust -"

"Evans! I feel - I feel violated!"

She merely flashes him a cheeky grin. "That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane; let's do the time warp again!"

Mary runs over and takes Lily's hand, singing to her and nodding her head. The beat is beginning to get to James and, never one to ignore a good song or turn down a dance with a pretty witch, he can't help but grin at her. She smiles back, and he can't help but notice her gaze flickering down to his lips.

When Ed worms his way over to them the grin drops from James' face - he's sure the other bloke isn't interested in _dancing_ with Lily - but then the girl hops up on the table right next to James and starts to sing.

"Well, I was walking down the street just-a having a think when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink!" Jude rushes over, wand in hand, and Transfigures a shot glass into a top hat for Lily. "He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise: he had a pick-up truck and the devil's eyes!" James has to privately admire Jude's handiwork given the intoxicated state of the girl in question and her general uselessness at the subject during sobriety. The redhead puts the hat on gleefully and winks at her friend. "He stared at me and I felt a change; time meant nothing never would again!"

Lily slips off the table and links her arm through James' as the chorus begins again. Mainly to spite the Atherton prick and not because he's having fun (he's not, honestly, even though Lily's smiling at him and holding his hand and her eyes are twinkling again) he dances with her, and she can't help the laughter escaping her lips. He'd picked up the steps quickly, she later tells him, when they're sitting together by the stairs to the boys' dorms, and when she says it she leans in _so_ close, and he really, really wants to kiss her.

"I'm impressed," she says, poking him playfully, and she's tilting her head and her eyes are dark and -

"Come on, Lily! Bohemian Rhapsody's on!"

Mary tugs Lily away from him, and he's left holding two drinks at the bottom of the boy's staircase.


	24. twenty-four - waste

**a/n:** shameless shameless smut for Lily's birthday. Although it's more of a not-graphic-shut-the-door-on-them type of thing.

**twenty-four – waste**

"You got them, you got them!" Lily launches herself at her boyfriend, face alight with joy. She kisses him soundly.

"Of course I got them, you idiot," he laughs, and then he bites his lip. "They're the right ones?"

She kisses him again. "Yes. Thank you. Thank you, thank you!"

Lily pulls the red platforms on over her pyjama bottoms and parades around her dorm. "Whataya think?"

James grins at her. "Gorgeous. Reckon they'd look much better off, though." He reaches out, tugging her shirt hem, and running his forefinger along the elastic of her pyjama trousers. "And these."

Lily snorts and plops down on the bed beside him. "I bet you do. Shove over."

He scoots over and wraps an arm around her, kissing her temple. "Happy birthday, Lil," he murmurs, and kisses her properly. Her tongue flicks against his bottom lip and slips inside his mouth, and his fingers creep under her pyjama shirt - which, incidentally, used to be his.

"We have Charms," she says throatily, biting on his bottom lip.

He rolls back and pulls her on top of him, nearly all the buttons on her shirt undone now by his insistent fingers. "Charms is a waste of time."

Lily hums her agreement and pushes the bottom of his T-shirt until it's up, over his head. Her fingers explore his skin and he swears as the cold January air breathes against his body.

"Shitting hell, it's freezing!" He pulls the duvet over them and wriggles down, the friction causing delightful sensations as their skin touches in places only they get to touch. She laughs as he buries his face in her hair, sucking at her pulse, and jokingly complains, fingers sifting through his hair.

"And yet you always laugh at me when I say it's cold."

"That," he says emphatically as she shrugs her shirt off her shoulders and his hands go instantly to her breasts, "is because my legs aren't a bloody hot water bottle, Evans. They aren't there for you to warm your feet on."

"Of course they are, don't be ridiculous," she scoffs, and runs her fingers through his hair, kissing him once, twice, three times -

James groans and rolls on top of her, kissing down her chest and across her ribs and along her stomach, breath ghosting against her skin and her name falling from his lips.

"I love you, Lily," he tells her, and his hair is rubbing against the duvet making it even messier than normal and his eyes are bright but dark with want and his cheeks are slightly flushed. "Happy birthday, baby. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, you know that?"

"Stop it," she says, and her fingers trace over his shoulders, neck, collarbone. "I love you, too."

James grins against her skin and then his weight is gone as he removes the shoes and works her pyjama trousers down her legs.

"Bloody hell, it _is_ cold," she says, and he chuckles, mouthing kisses along the inside of her thighs as he travels up her body. "I don't suppose you can think of a way to warm me up? Take pity on a girl, on her birthday?"

James offers her a cheeky grin as he settles between her legs, tugging at the elastic of her knickers with his mouth, teeth grazing her hipbones . "I can think of plenty of ways, Lil," he says.

She settles back in the pillow with a smile on her face, and when his fingers curl inside her, she decides that this is definitely her favourite birthday so far.


	25. twenty-five - yelling

**a/n: **Sarah is clever.

**twenty-five – yelling**

James tugs the blankets closer around his shoulders as he rolls over and buries his head in his pillow. When he speaks, it's muffled: "Go away."

"Mister Henry made Chibby promise that Chibby would get Master James to see him, even if Master James told Chibby to go away."

"I told you not to call me that, Chib. James if fine. And I'll go in a minute."

"Mister Henry also told Chibby to make Master James get out of bed if he wouldn't do it willingly."

James groans. "Alright." She clicks her fingers. "Merlin, Chib, it's cold!"

The small house-elf is on good terms with her master and knows that she can giggle at his protestations when the covers are ripped back, exposing him to the slightly chilled morning air.

With much grumbling James stumbles out of bed, ramming on his glasses and hopping into some trousers. He pulls a T-shirt over his head, runs a hand through his hair and heads out of his bedroom. "You're wicked you are, you know," he comments amicably to the house-elf.

A smile strangely creases her face, and James shakes his head, grinning. He gets down to the front room where she told him his father would be waiting and opens the door.

"You wanted to see me?"

Henry is sitting in his armchair by the fire, wrapped in layers and a scarf despite the fact that it's July and there are Permanent Heating Charms in the whole manor.

"Yes, yes. I see she delivered the message. Sit down, son."

James does as asked and looks at his father, who leans forward, pressing his fingertips together.

"You have to understand that this is a difficult question for me to ask, James, but I feel I must."

James rolls his eyes but allows his father to go on. They've had this type of _difficult_ discussion before - at least three times since he left Hogwarts for good two weeks ago.

"Lily means a lot to you, I know that," he begins, "but this is a _war,_ son. Is she really -"

"If you are going to say 'worth it', then don't," James hisses venomously.

The elder blinks but doesn't flinch - he is Henry Potter, after all.

"James," he says, attempting to placate his son. "You are the last thing I have left of your mother. I don't want to lose you."

"You think Mum would approve of what you're saying?" he spits. "You fought against Grindelwald yourselves!" James swallows and closes his eyes. They can't seem to break the routine of their argument. "I don't care that Lily's Muggleborn, Dad," he says evenly, "and you shouldn't either. I love her and I would die for her a thousand times over, and I don't care if that means you lose what little you have left of Mum because she stopped loving you a long time ago."

James draws a breath and stops suddenly as if only just becoming aware of what he has said. Before they stuck to dancing around his girlfriend's blood-status but he's stepped too far this time and knows he's crossed the invisible line. The way his father's jaw squares and eyes flash dangerously confirms it. The younger looks away, not quite able to admit an apology.

"I want you to think about what you're doing," Henry tries. "You have a lot of responsibility, James, and you're a Potter. A pillar of the community. You hold a name and title that people respect, and you must behave appropriately. You aren't at school anymore."

James' eyes flicker to his father's. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Henry says, pausing to try and articulate, "that you can't just think about yourself now. You must consider how others see you, and - and the people you're with." For the first time, his commanding demeanour slips and he falters.

James looks away, seething. In their previous arguments, his father has never been so forthright. "You know something, _Dad_?" His voice is low and dangerous. "You're as bad as them. You might not think it and you tell yourself you aren't so you can sleep at night but when it gets down to it, you are! You're as bad as Voldemort and the rest of his Pureblood elitists!" he yells, furious. "I can't believe you! You fought against Grindelwald and now you're preaching his ideology! LOOK AT ME!" James stands and kicks the sofa angrily, panting. "You're disgusting!"

He feels sick, sick to his stomach. His father, who taught him what it is to be a Potter and to respect everyone, regardless of colour or creed or blood, is now trying to erase that and teach him what it means to be a Pureblood and respect no-one.

"You're disgusting," he repeats, and leaves the room, slamming the door on his way out.


	26. twenty-six - agitated

**a/n:** chapter seventeen part ii in chapter twenty-six form for _Super Cara_ and _sinclair12_.

**twenty-six - agitated**

Remus paces up and down the length of the kitchen, murmuring to himself as Peter sits at the table, drumming his feet on the floor. James attempts to expend some of his restless energy by putting the kettle on the Muggle way, but after dropping the thing in the sink when he attempts to fill it with water gives up and throws himself down in the seat next to Peter.

Anxiously and to no-one in particular: "Where the - they were supposed to be back by now. Where are they? I'm going -"

"Prongs," Remus says pointedly. "You heard what Moody said. 'No-one's to leave.'"

James pushes his chair back with a loud scrape and kicks a cupboard. "I don't care, Moony! I _do not care._ My girlfriend and my best friend were supposed to be back by now and they aren't and I -"

"James Potter, I swear to Merlin, get your ugly -"

James' eyes light up and he grabs his mirror from his jeans. "Padfoot! You two were supposed to be back hours ago." He tries to bite back his temper. "Where the _hell_ are you?"

"Still at Crawford's Cross," Sirius explains, and Remus places a hand on James' shoulder with a warning look. He shoves him away. "Listen, Prongs, it's Lily -"

Without so much as a glance toward the two boys, James spins and Apparates back to the battle site, leaving the lingering trace of Peter's agitated outburst of _Prongs_ in the tense atmosphere of the kitchen.

When he arrives it's vaguely misty and he stumbles around for a bit, wishing he'd thought to bring a jacket. He pulls out his wand, just in case, and calls out.

"Here, Prongs," comes the faint reply. James decides the voice has come somewhere from his left and runs over, finding an unconscious Lily limp in Sirius' protective grasp.

"Holy - what happened?" He's at her side instantly, transferring her weight to his arms, stroking back the hair off her forehead, leaning down and listening and feeling for the sound and warmth of her shallow breaths.

"Cruciatus, I think. And some others, I'm not sure. I reckon her ankle's snapped and - well, look." He peels back the jacket. "Her arm. It's bleeding badly, Prongs. She needs a Healer."

James' face is pale and stricken. "Can she move?"

"Doubt it. We could Side-Along her."

He bites his lip. "What if she Splinches?"

Sirius' face is set. "She won't. We have to do something."

James nods and stands. "St Mungo's?"

The other hums in agreement and between the two of them they support her until she's upright. He wraps a protective arm around her and Sirius places a hand on her back and hoping to hell that their plan goes off without a hitch they spin, escaping from the battle site.

They're directed to the fourth floor and she's peeled away from the boys to lie on a bed. The Mediwizard in charge of the Dark Spell Damage ward gives him a grim look and turns away, muttering incantations over Lily's body. James can't fight the rising panic thundering through his veins and tells Sirius he's going up to the next floor for a drink, coming back a moment later.

"I can't leave her," is all he says. Sirius clasps a hand on his shoulder and tells him he'll let the other's know she's safe. James nods and sits next to Lily, waiting for the Mediwizard to finish, and holds her hand, pressing kisses to her brow.

When Lily comes around she can feels the press of a body on her stomach, another hand in hers. She squeezes their fingers and shuffles back in the bed, surprised at the lack of resistance her body offers. She wiggles her toes and finds no pain in her ankle, and the gash on her arm is now a faint pink line. Lily closes her eyes, relieved, and tries to speak.

"Excuse - excuse me -" Her throat is dry and she coughs. A trainee Healer rushes over with a goblet of water. "Thank you," Lily says, after taking a long drink.

The Healer gives her a look, as if she recognises the redhead, but Lily's turned away, fingertips gently prising the boy's head up from her chest.

"James," she whispers. When he's unresponsive she tries again. "James, move. I can't breathe."

He jerks his head up and blinks a few times, taking in the sight of Lily, safe and sound.

"Thank _Merlin_."


	27. twenty-seven - breathless

**warnings:** strong language, adult themes, blah blah

**twenty-seven - breathless**

"Mary!" Lily clambers onto her friend's bed, pulling back the covers. "Mary, wake up. I need you." Her fingers work through the layers of blankets and push them down. "I've come to a terrible realisation."

Groggily: "What?"

Lily climbs in next to her friend and sighs dramatically. "I'm in love."

She opens an eye. "With who?"

Lily gives her a look. "Who d'you think?"

Mary begins to laugh. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. Help me. I'm a sad excuse for a person."

"Lil, he clearly likes you too," Mary says, rolling so she's on her side and can face Lily. "Just tell him."

"Mary, you're fucking useless. I can't _tell_ him."

"Yes you can."

Lily shakes her head. "I can't. I don't even know if I fancy him."

"What happened to love?"

"Too little of it in the world, peace and all that. No, I'm not joking. It's only because he was opening doors for me and making me laugh in patrols tonight and he poured me a drink at dinner and you know how that normally irritates me when people - blokes - do that -"

"'Do they think I don't bloody have hands or do they think my hands are for one use only?'"

"- exactly. And he offered to help me with Transfiguration which I know he hates 'cause I made him tutor all last year and he never stopped complaining." Lily pauses, a little breathless.

"So, what are you going to do?" asks the brunette after a pause.

"But I don't know if I fancy him."

"You fancy him, Lil. You just told me." Mary pokes her friend in the side. "And it's bleeding obvious."

"Shut up. Anyway, that's not the point." Lily waves a dismissive hand. "The point is, Karen Parker is interested in him again, I'm sure. And you know there's history there."

"Define interested?"

"You know what I mean. I need to - I don't know. I don't think I could bear the two of them being all..."

"Together?"

"Yes."

Mary thinks for a moment. "Why don't you do what she does and take up Quidditch?"

"Mare, that's ridiculous. I'm not changing for him. He can have me the way I am." Lily pushes hair out of her eyes and rolls on her back. "Besides, I hate flying. What's so great about placing your life in the hands of a twig with lots of other twigs sticking out the back of it?"

"You seem to like it when James has got his Quidditch robes on."

Lily glares. "Well look at you, being all cute."

"I try. So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't _know_, do I? That's why I came to you, but you've been rubbish."

Mary kicks her. "That's rude. I could throw you out, you know. You've it your own bloody dorm, have you not?" Lily looks at her with wide eyes and a pout until Mary begins to laugh. "I say play hard to get."

"But that'll scare him away."

"Then you need to ramp it up a gear."

"Such a strange expression," muses Lily absently.

"I know. My dad says it whenever he changes to fifth. It's very annoying."

Lily snorts, then: "What should I do?"

"Don't pretend that you don't know what you're going to do, Lil."

"But it's _bad_, Mary. I think the first-years would faint if I did what I want to do to him when I see him tomorrow."

"You brazen hussy."

"It's awful, really."

"Tell me."

"I can't."

"Tell him."

"I can't."

"Fine. Get out."

Mary pushes Lily out of her bed and rolls over so she has her back to her friend.

"Oh, Lil?"

The girl in question pauses at the doorframe, a smile twitching at her lips.

Amused: "What?"

"You know that if you don't tell him you want to shag him, I will, right?"

"I know, Mare," Lily calls as she descends the staircase. "I know."


	28. twenty-eight - carcass

**twenty-eight - carcass**

Lily's sinking to the ground, and a deafening silence falls around them.

Figures keep moving, hexes being thrown, but James' arm drops limply at his side, pulse roaring in his ears. He sees the look of shock etched on her face; her unblinking gaze meets James' and she mouths words. Blood trickles past her lips. Sirius pulls him backwards, yanking him away from a flash of green light, and thumps him on the back. The image of Lily's unmoving body is burned into his mind, her bloody, broken carcass taunting him -

He wakes, gasping, jerking upright and covered in sweat.

"Lil?" His hand gropes the bed next to him, heart hammering. "Lily?"

James fumbles for his glasses from the bedside table and, once he's shoved them on, he finds his wand. A quick _lumos_ confirms she's not in bed, and _homenum revelio_ tells him she's not in the house.

A lump in his throat, fingers trembling, breath coming quickly, he remembers she's out on a mission. Rubbing a hand over his face, James swings his legs over the side of the mattress and pushes the covers off him. He pads over to the chair in the corner of their room and slips on a T-shirt.

Lily.

He heads to the bathroom and splashes his face with cold water.

Lily.

The iciness bites at his cheeks, waking him completely from the dream.

Lily.

She's not due back for until the 20th, he reminds himself, in an effort to halt the worry racing through his veins. Three more sleepless nights and three more wasted days, and then she'll be home.

(He likes it when she's home because he can take her in his arms and trace his fingers across her skin; he can wrap his hands around her wrist and rest his lips against her neck and feel the steady thrumming of her pulse that tells him _she's alive she's alive she's alive._ He'll take her hair and curl a rusted copper strand around his finger. He'll kiss her fingertips. He'll kiss her forehead, her cheekbones, her throat, her ribs, her hipbones. He'll etch love into her every contour, every curve, every outline, because _she's alive she's alive she's alive._)

James stares at his reflection in the mirror above the sink. His hazel eyes are bloodshot and dark blue shadows circle underneath. His hair's longer than usual, but somehow he can't find the motivation to get it cut when there are more important things to worry about, like – Lily.

Stubble graces his chin and a tiny part of him flickers with – well, what, he's not sure – but it's the catalyst for an explosion. It tips him over into believing that he's a man now, whatever the hell that might mean; or he's a boy in a man's body, at least, a boy fighting a man's war, and a boy losing a man's battle. He's a boy in love with a girl and he _just wants her home_ because she always talks him out of feeling like this and pushes him into sense when the thoughts of stealing away with her, away from this madness and keeping her safe begin to flood his mind.

He pats his face dry on a towel – it's turquoise, and they'd picked it out together when they were managing to maintain the illusion of normality before everything else took over – and goes back to the bedroom, folding himself up under the covers. James takes off his glasses and lies on his side and knows he won't sleep, but he tries not to think of her, of anything.

It's futile.

(It always is, because there's only one thought in his head at a time like this: Lily.)


	29. twenty-nine - diligence

**twenty-nine – diligence**

He never cared for listening in Professor Alchin's lessons, focussing on the diagrams on the board and diligently taking notes, and now Lily's sitting next to him – she's not only sitting next to him, but _talking _to him, and properly talking too, not just the perfunctory greetings of _hi _and _bye _she bestowed on him at the beginning of the year. Being who he is, and her being so – he struggles to describe her and settles on _interesting_, James can't help probing her now that she's opened up to him a bit.

They've been sort-of-friends since the beginning of the year when Professor Flitwick paired them together for Charms in the seating plan, and since he found her crying in the corridor and he'd held her and let her sob into his shirt, and a couple of days later she'd shouted at him because, she said, she didn't like owing him for that, and, he said, _you don't owe me anything._

She'd looked at him ever so slightly differently since then.

"What else can you do?" he whispers.

She giggles, eyes closed in thought. "Okay." Lily tears across the bottom of his parchment – "Oi!" – and rolls it into a cone. She places it in her left hand and, covering it with her right, she closes her eyes once again. When she opens them, she's struggling to hold back a triumphant grin, and allows him to peek between her palms.

"It's a –!"

"A lily," she confirms, nodding. The creamy petals curl against her skin, a dusting of golden pollen fluttering on her notes. He looks at it in awe. "I was never that impressed by it, really," Lily tells him, with the air of confessing a dark secret. "I mean, flowers seem so…trivial. Beautiful, but –" she breaks off with a laugh. Rolls the stem across her fingertips; closes her eyes again and brushes the now-red petals across the back of his hand, making sure the thorn avoids piercing his skin. "I don't know. If you want to tell someone you love them, just tell them. Don't give them a bunch of flowers that'll die after a few days."

James doesn't say anything but watches her closely, scanning her face with _easier said than done _flashing through his mind. He takes the rose from her and inspects it. "So you don't want flowers, this Valentine's?"

Lily smiles. "I don't know. It's a nice gesture, I suppose, if unoriginal." Her eyes light up for a moment before her face sobers. "My dad used to get us one, you know. A rose each for Tuney – my sister – and I, and twelve for my mum."

James gives her a half-smile and brushes his fingers across her hand, as she'd done to him with the flower. "It's alright, you know," he says. "To remember him. You don't have to push him out of your mind."

"I know," says Lily after a pause, and she smiles at him again, and James might be imagining it but her eyes seem to soften as they trace his face.

And he never really cared for listening in Professor Alchin's lessons, focussing on the diagrams on the board and diligently taking notes, and now Lily's sitting next to him, so James is, much to the teacher's chagrin, very much _not _paying attention.

"Potter!"

James snaps his eyes from Lily to the teacher. "Yes, sir?"

Alchin sighs. "Potter, could you tell me what Blishen suggests is the best model for predicting which runes will become logograms?"

"Er," says James, and Lily snorts beside him, slipping the rose into the wand pocket of her satchel. The teacher sighs again, and turns to Kevin Holmes, who's looking at James disdainfully with his hand in the air.

"The Lexi-logal model, " James says suddenly, looking entirely too smug for Kevin's liking, and he glances back at Lily to see if she's as irritated as he is but she's blinking up at James again and biting her lip. "It separates numerical runes from lexical ones and sorts _those _into single lexemes and lexemes likely to combine to create a logogram."

James leans back into his chair as Professor Alchin raises his eyebrows, impressed despite himself. With a last despairing glance back at the pair of Gryffindors, Kevin spots Lily biting her lip to stop from laughing. Her cheeks are flushed and she looks so _happy_.

With a sigh, he turns back to the front.

* * *

**a/n: **Lily needs to start practicing what she preaches, eh? Anyway, Happy Valentine's day, and thanks a bunch (of flowers) to all the new reviewers :)) do you see what I did there with the bunch thing or


	30. thirty - enamoured

**thirty - enamoured**

"You alright?"

James is lying on his side, hazel eyes blinking and looking bigger, somehow, without his glasses. He watches her as her chest rises and falls and her eyelids flutter.

Lily lets out a breathy laugh. "I'll be alright."

He hums and clutches at her left hand, the one nearest to him, and kisses her fingers, runs the pad of his thumb over the two rings on her fourth finger. Her other hand rests on her stomach, now less protuberant.

Harry lies at the foot of their bed and begins to gurgle. Both of them tense, waiting for the noise to rocket up into full-blown wails. James sits up, grabs his glasses, and peers into the cot; Harry wriggles his fists against the soft fabric of the blanket he's wrapped in but doesn't, thankfully, open his eyes.

"Sure?" he asks, lying back down and hitting the pillow with a soft thud.

Lily sighs. "Yeah." Moments later, she's giggling, and James has no idea why. "Sorry," she says. "It's just - I really, really need a wee but I can't even get up. It's not funny at all, I don't know why I'm laughing."

"Hormones?" James suggests, and she swats him. "Here," he says, and gets out of bed, walking around to her side. He puts his arms out and smiles at her.

Lily buries her face in the pillow to stifle her giggles, part amused, part mortified. "James, no. You're not fucking carrying me. Merlin."

"Come on," James urges. "I'm not keen on standing here with my arms out like an idiot."

He bends closer to her and tenderly pushes a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. She turns an inch towards him so he can see one eye.

"Let me carry you to the loo."

And then they're both laughing, laughing, laughing. James is doubled over and Lily's crying into the pillow and they're trying not to wake Harry, not now he's finally gone to sleep, but they have to laugh or -

Sitting with Lily, holding her hand, stroking her hair, it'd hit James earlier. That they were actually going to be parents at twenty years old, they were going to have a baby, and they were going to have a new, other life to take care of and it wouldn't just be the two of them anymore.

(It hit Lily around the first wave of contractions, only she was far less preoccupied by the notion than James. She had other things on her mind.)

She finally relents and reaches out, letting him pick her up. Lily puts her arms around his neck, and before he's taken a step, he kisses her, long and heady. "I love you, Lily Potter," he tells her, "and I'm so proud of you."

"I love you," she says, "and I'm proud of me, too. You had a much easier job than I did." He carries her through to the bathroom; sets her down, helps her get steady. "And please don't be alarmed by the blood, James. I'll clean it up later -"

"I'll do it," he volunteers. "And don't give me that look. Just go for a wee alright?"

She laughs and cups his cheek with her hand, kissing him. "I love you. Did I tell you that?"

"Yes, but you have lots to make up for," he says, walking back into their room. "I don't think I'll ever get over the nasty things you said about me this afternoon."

"I was in labour, sweetheart. It happens."

She can hear James changing their sheets - or, rather, pointing his wand at the clean linen - and wants to cry at the sweetness of the gesture. But instead, she smiles, enamoured, and when he sticks his head around the door frame, a cheeky, lopsided grin on his face, asking if she's done, she smiles even more widely.

He picks her up again, and she starts laughing again. For a fleeting moment they're just a couple of kids in love, and everything is beautiful.

* * *

**a/n: **yes, I did just write 700 words around Lily needing the loo.


	31. thirty-one - fascinated

**a/n: **for _we make paper cranes_. In my opinion Lily always liked James, and they were tentatively friends when he wasn't being an arse, even in fifth year.

**thirty-one – fascinated**

He comes across her sitting in one of the big bay windows on the fifth floor. She's leaning her cheek against the glass pane with her gaze fixed on a point far over the Lake that stretches out along the sunset-streaked horizon. She doesn't tear her eyes away – he's unsure if she's even noticed his presence – but as he softly says, "Evans," she turns to him tearfully and, just as quietly, speaks.

"What do you want?"

"I – er –" he stops and runs a hand through his hair. "Nothing. I just wondered if you were alright, I suppose."

Tight-lipped: "Fine."

"Are you – good. Are you sure?"

Lily looks away from him, rolling her eyes. She turns back to the window and hutches her knees a little closer into her chest.

"Yes."

"Right."

The tension in the air is unbearable, but all James can focus on is the way her breath huffs against the pane and makes a cloud on the glass and when she draws a line in it her finger trembles. She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes briefly and he's focusing on the pink in her cheeks and wondering if it's good or not and he's so enraptured by her actions he misses what she says next.

"Sorry?"

"I said, leave me alone."

He takes a step towards her and she flicks her eyes to him for a tiny moment before pretending to be wholly fascinated by the grounds once more.

"Listen, Evans," he begins, and his hand jumps to his hair once again. He shoves it in his robe pocket and leans against the sill she's sitting on. "I need –"

"I don't really think what _you _need comes into this," she says all at once, and her tone is so acerbic that he flinches. Her eyes are bright and she digs her nails into her palm, hiding her hands in the folds of her robes.

"I want to apologise," he says, not deterred. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go that far."

"Good." Her gaze is fixed on the Lake again and he's surprised at her reaction.

"_Good?_"

Lily lets out an incredulous laugh, eyes welling and furiously blinking back tears. "D'you know, I don't think you realise, Potter." Her voice is low and dangerous, her jaw set, but James narrows his eyes at her anyway.

"I think you're the one who doesn't _realise_, Evans," he shoots back. "He called you a – you know – in front of our whole year; what else will it take for you to work out that he is not, and never has been, worth your time? I don't understand –"

"No, you don't understand!" Lily shouts, stumbling off the sill and landing on her feet. "You have no idea, do you? You provoked him like you always do, and I was caught in the middle of your _stupid _ages-old tug-of-war, just like I usually am!" She stops for breath, tears flowing, and heaves a sob. "You get your bloody laughs, Potter, but I'm the one who gets hurt! I'm sick of it! You need to grow up. You might not have called me – that but –"

She sinks down the stone wall of the corridor, flickering torchlight highlighting shades of red in her hair, and she puts her head on her arms and cries.

James looks around for any sign of other people, but there is no-one around on the summer evening, and he lets out a breath.

"Evans –"

"Don't call me that!" she snaps, raising her head. "My name is Lily. You know that, you're not an idiot." She stares at him, half defiant, half defenceless, and he sits down next to her awkwardly. James pats her arm and she gives a snort. "You're bloody useless, you are."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't suppose many sixteen-year-old boys would know –"

"Bloody hell, Evans, I don't mean about that." He puts his hand in his pocket frustratedly, wishing he could put his arm around her and stroke her hair until she stopped crying. "I'm sorry about the whole thing with Snape today. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I don't –"

Lily looks at him and sniffs. "You don't what?"

"Nothing." James looks down the corridor until he feels his arm nudged. "I don't want to make you sad, alright?" he expels finally, staring at her, daring her to laugh. "I don't want to hurt you."

She watches him. After a time, her fingers brush his briefly – he reckons he imagined it, and he leaves that bit out when he tells Sirius what happened – and she licks her lips and says, very softly, "I know."

"Right," he repeats, exhaling. James is about to get up and walk away, because he can tell that she has nothing more to say to him. He shouldn't have bothered in the first place, because bloody hell, he made her cry – he's such a wanker – when he feels a slight weight on his shoulder, and realises she's resting her head on him.

(He stays.)


	32. thirty-two - generosity

**thirty-two - generosity**

"So," Judy says, pointing a finger at Lily, "who would you be shagging if you weren't with James?"

The seventh-year Gryffindor girls are gathered on a picnic blanket on a late June afternoon by the willow that leans lazily over the Lake. Spread on the ground are sweet wrappers and empty chocolate boxes and, a remnant of the early evening, a couple of empty bottles of Coca-Cola that Lily had smuggled in her trunk when she went to her Mum's for Christmas. Now the girls are passing round a bottle of Ogden's Finest that's wrapped with a Butterbeer label, courtesy of Peter, and Judy speaks just as Mary's about to take a swig making her splutter the Firewhiskey everywhere.

"Who would I -" Lily curls forward in laughter, slapping Judy's arm.

"Jude!" Anna cackles, "you can't say that!"

"Can and did," comes the reply. "Spill, Evans."

"No!" giggles Lily. "I've got my boyfriend. You lot share who you fancy!"

And with an _er, _Mary reminds the group that _I've got Reg!_

"Come on, Bobby, who would you be -"

"I am _not_ dignifying that with an answer," laughs Roberta, blushing a deep red and putting her hand out for the bottle.

"Spoil sport," teases Anna, poking her tongue out at the blonde girl.

Roberta pushes her away and turns the attention back to Lily. "Come on, Head Girl. Judy's right. Spill."

Lily swallows a gulp of Firewhiskey. "Alright. Who d'you reckon?"

"Bertram!"

"Johnny!"

"Which one? Johnny Herdman or Johnny Sopa?"

"Sopa," as if it's obvious, "his arms are much nicer."

"Amos!"

"Diggory?" splutters Mary. She clutches Lily's arm, gasping for breath. "Amos Diggory!"

"Can you imagine?" she giggles, holding her stomach. "Amos?"

"He wasn't that bad," says Anna fairly.

"Yeah, only 'cause you snogged him back in fifth year!"

"He was the worst Prefect, you have no idea. A blustering idiot, I won't lie to you."

"Nah, I reckon you two would've looked good together, Lil," Mary teases, and she and Lily begin to giggle again.

"Well, he had nice eyes," says Anna, "and hair."

Roberta nudges her with a grin. "He was quite attractive, actually."

"That's generous," Lily says, and breaks into peals of laughter again. "I'm sorry. He was perfectly nice, but rather boring. And self-important."

"Who's this?" a new voice chimes. "Not me, I hope."

Remus grins at the group and sits down next to Anna who glances at Judy with a badly hidden smile. Peter swipes back his bottle of Ogden's and takes a gulp before lying down.

"Amos Diggory, Remus, d'you remember him?"

"Worst Prefect ever," he confirms, and someone places their hands over Lily's eyes.

"Not me, I hope," says James, and slings an arm around his girlfriend when she kisses him.

"Already tried that one, Prongs," calls Remus with a grin, and hands Sirius the bottle before the long-haired boy sits down with his arm around Roberta.

"Alright, Bobby?" he says, and when she tells him what they're discussing he barks a laugh. "Prongs, mate, it looks like you've got competition!"

(James just gives him the finger and wraps his arms around Lily again.)


	33. thirty-three - helpless

**thirty-three - helpless**

She looks gorgeous, but the scowl - well, if he's honest, he'd prefer her to be smiling.

Lily gives him a look that plainly says _I am going to kill someone_.

Petunia clasps Vernon's chubby fingers with her bony ones as he signals to the waiter with his other hand. When Lily is giving her order, he pauses and watches her, and she glances up at him only to see he has stopped.

"Lily Evans," he says, pointing his pen at her, and she bites her lip.

"Mark Johnson," she says, with a slightly rising inflection, and he nods with a chuckle.

He finishes taking their order and walks away, grinning at her, and James nudges her knee under the table with his.

"We went to school together," she explains, amused at James' reaction and picking up her wine glass. "I didn't know he worked here."

Petunia bristles and seems to restrain herself from saying something, but can't quite stop herself completely. "Well, if you hadn't been swanning about in Scotland..."

"Swanning about?" repeats Lily, swallowing her drink. "We weren't _swanning about._ I went to high school just like you did, Petunia. I'm sorry that mine was a better standard than Cokeworth Comprehensive." She bites her lip, then, because although she wants to rile her sister, they're getting dangerously close to Petunia's failed 11+ which they both know was something of a blessing - the Evanses would have struggled to put her through grammar school.

"A better standard?" hisses Petunia. "You turn toadstools into teacups and the best transport you can afford is a broomstick. _Vernon_ has a car."

"Yes, it's a corker, actually." He turns to James and surveys him disdainfully. "I presume you know what a car is?"

James raises an eyebrow. "Yes, thanks," he says shortly. "You drove us here in it tonight."

"Oh, yes. You'll have noticed, of course, the repositioned controls and improved suspension make it a joy to drive. Very reliable; very expensive."

"It does sound a bit like my broom, actually. It's a Nimbus 1001. Advanced handling, great turning speed and acceleration. That cost a bit of gold, too."

The waiter arrives with the food and places down the plates, offering them condiments. Once Vernon has picked up his knife and fork and dug it into his steak, he asks, through a mouthful of food, "Gold?"

"Wizards use a different currency, Vernon," explains Lily. "Instead of pounds and pence we have Knuts -"

"And bolts?" mutters Petunia, focussing on her salad and stabbing a slice of tomato.

Lily continues as if her sister hasn't spoken, although she's getting tired of it. This whole evening has been an awkward disaster. "- Sickles, and Galleons. They're the gold ones."

"So," Vernon says, catching on rather quickly, and pointing his food-laden fork at the man next to him, "you must have lots of it, then? These Galleys - you said your - you know what - cost a lot of gold."

The black haired boy glances at his girlfriend and she rolls her eyes, shaking her head. James can tell she's annoyed and he's annoyed, too, at Petunia's lack of respect for both her sister and her sister's world - and it's James' world, too.

"Yes, I suppose I must have lots of it."

Lily's head snaps up and he raises her eyebrows at him: _don't_.

James takes a sip of water. "It's all in our vault at Gringott's, of course - that's our bank, it's guarded by goblins -"

"Goblins?" repeats Vernon. His eyes, which had steadily been getting wider, narrow suspiciously. "Goblins? Are you lying to me, boy?"

James looks him directly in the eye. "Are you calling me a liar?"

Sharply: "James."

"Yes, I am," says Vernon.

James wipes his mouth on his napkin and puts it down beside him on the bench of the booth, and Petunia, clattering her knife and fork together on her plate, thinks she catches sight of -

"Don't you dare point that thing at my husband!" she says shrilly. "Honestly, you people! You come in here talking nonsense about brooms and gold and have the - the audacity to - PUT THAT AWAY!"

James spreads his hands in innocence. "It's just my knife," he says, and Lily puts her head in her hands.

"A_ you know what_ not enough now, is it? You need a knife as well? Petunia, come on, darling. I'm not putting you in danger near this maniac! Lily, you should rethink who you spend your time with, I don't know what your father would be thinking -"

Lily raises her head, tears welling but not falling. She sniffs. "Petunia, I could say the same to you," she says.

Something flits across the older sister's face for a moment before it's replaced with pursed lips. "Goodbye," she says, grabbing her handbag.

When they've gone, James scoots round to Lily's side of the booth and puts an arm around her.

"Don't."

"Lil, I'm sorry."

"You never _think_, do you? You knew how important this was to me. You're just as bad as you always were, James. They hate anything out of the ordinary and you just had to rub it in their faces that we're different and -"

"We are, Lily! We are different to them, but that doesn't mean we have to be ashamed! If anything, I'm glad I'm not like Vernon bloody Dursley! Can you imagine what -"

"Yes!" Lily exhales. She glances around at the other diners, chucks some notes on the table and pulls James from the restaurant. Once they're outside in the car park, she whirls on him, furious.

"Yes, I can imagine, James, because this is me! This is where I grew up, this is what I know! I'm Muggle-born! It's bad enough that we don't have Hogwarts to go back to, and now you're cutting every link I have with my home! Thanks for that, James, really."

"Wait, Lily, what are you saying? You are -" He stops for a moment, squeezing his thumb and forefinger into his eyes behind his glasses. Dread pulses through his veins. "- you are coming back, aren't you? We said we'd fight - we were fighting together, you can't back out now."

Lily stares at him for a long time.

"Why not? They don't want me! I'm a - I'm Muggle-born, James, in a Pureblood world. _Your_ lot don't want me."

James narrows his eyes at her, heart thumping in his chest. He knows, somehow, before the words spill from his mouth, that he will regret saying this, but he's helpless to watch as they come crashing over his lips.

"Well, they don't want you here, either, do they?"

Lily trips backwards, breath catching in her throat. She blinks.

"Shit. I didn't mean that. Lil -"

"No," she says, and her emotionless tone scares him. "No, you're right. No-one wants me."

She turns from him and Apparates away, and all that's left is the smell of her perfume, his _I want you_ left floating in the summer breeze.


	34. thirty-four - into the fire

**a/n: **so because these are one-shots, and I'm kind of running out of prompts to use as answers to earlier chapters, I won't be writing any more for chapter 31 - I feel it's resolved (sorry PoofPillow and Whatchoofelloverfor!), but I had an idea for a response to 33 that'll probably go in a separate story.

**thirty-four - into the fire**

The next time Lily's in St Mungos, it's to visit Remus, who suffered badly after an attack led by Fenrir Greyback a few days ago. She's a Warden on the Order's rota for this week, so it's up to her to come and fill in the blanks for the (too many) members who can't make it to meetings.

Checking the sign behind her to make sure she's walking in the right direction, Lily turns to the right and crashes into Healer levitating a tray of mugs in front of her.

"Shit! Sorry. Here, let me -"

Lily whips out her wand to clear up the damage but the Healer is faster.

"It's alright," she says, and then pauses. "Do I know you?"

The redhead curls her lip. "Don't think so." She observes the dark-haired witch in front of her. "What's your name?"

"Healer Meadowes," comes the reply. "Dorcas. You?"

"Lily Potter," she says, relishing the curl of her new name off her tongue.

"Henry!" Dorcas clicks her fingers. "You were in with Mr Potter when I was doing my apprenticeship in the summer. And then again, by yourself. Well, with his son, I think. I've seen you round here a couple of times."

Lily gives her a smile. "Bloody hell, you've got a good memory," she laughs. "But I suppose I am in here a lot. Comes with the job territory, really."

"Oh?"

Peering behind the Healer, Lily narrows her eyes. Noticing, Dorcas turns immediately, shoulders squaring, but she doesn't see Lily's slight smile at her reaction.

"Yes," Lily sighs, "but someone's gotta do it. Sorry, Dorcas, but I have to go. It was nice to meet you."

Offering her a smile as she leaves, Lily continues on her way down the corridor.

After she's checked in on Remus and updated him on the latest Order happenings, Lily Apparates to the flat James shares with Sirius, pretending not to notice a dark-haired witch with her blue eyes tracing Lily's disappearing figure.

"Thanks," she says, taking the tea James hands her with a smile and curling her legs under her on the sofa. "I think I've found someone."

Immediately James winks at her. "Who's the lucky bloke then?"

"Oh, tall, dark and handsome, and a much better lover than you." Lily takes a sip of tea. "Mm. Her name's Dorcas, she works at St Mungo's. Good eyes and quick with a wand."

"Lil," he says, nudging her knee with his, "I'm genuinely not sure if we're talking about your new beau or not."

"Beau?" splutters Lily. "Sounds like something my mum would say. Anyway, you're the only one for me. I think she'd be good for the Order, James. And she's a Healer."

James thinks it over for a second.

"Besides, you've met her," she says, taking another gulp of tea. "She was the trainee who rubbed that vile blue goo into my face when your dad and I were caught in the attack on the Ministry. "

"Just because she's interested, doesn't mean she'd work out. What's her name again?"

"I know." Lily stares into the fire, a glint in her eye. "But I've got a feeling about her. Dorcas Meadowes."

"Meadowes?" mulls James.

"You've heard of them?"

"Maybe. My mum was friends with a Victor Meadowes. He has a kid about our age. I reckon our parents tried to get us betrothed or something fucking ridiculous."

"Why am I suddenly going off her?"

James laughs. "Ay, you're the only one for me too, Lil. Why don't you let Moody know next time?"

"I will. I mean it, James. She stood out to me."

James stands and clears the mugs onto the coffee table before taking Lily's hand and pulling her too him. He kisses her.

"Okay. Good." She giggles against his lips as he gives her another kiss. "I've hardly seen you all week, Lily."

"I know," she sighs. "I missed you too."

"A bit presumptious," he murmurs, loosening the knot of her ponytail so her hair falls to her shoulders.

"You did miss me, Potter, but you're just too stubborn to admit it."

He takes her face in his hands. "Ah but, Potter -"

"Shut up."


	35. thirty-five - jubilant

**a/n: **okay so in my head (and the timeline this is following): Lily's Dad died in the summer before sixth-year, then James' Mum died in February of their seventh-year. James' Dad died in the September after they finished school. Lily's Mum gave James permission to marry her daughter over Christmas 1978 because she knew was terminally ill and wouldn't see their wedding, which is taking place in April 1979.

These are the kind of happy things I think about in my free time.

**thirty-five - jubilant**

"Lily," says Marlene sharply, "you've duelled Voldemort. You can do this."

"I can't, Mar," says the redhead, biting her lip. Her eyes are wide and anxious and she shakes her head furiously as if to emphasise her point. "I can't do it to him. I'm not good enough for someone like -"

Marlene rolls her eyes and shoves Lily onto the bed.

"Lil, if anything, he's the one who should be feeling like this."

Lily fixes her friend with a look.

"Come on, love, he didn't get his head out of his arse til sixth year." Sensing that Lily is about to erupt in defence of James, Marlene spreads her hands. "I love the boy, Lily, I really do, but he can be an idiot sometimes. Of course you're good enough for him. You know he doesn't give two hoots for blood purity and he loves you. When he looks at you it's like -" she breaks off. "You're being stupid."

"It's my wedding day, Mar," says Lily, flopping back onto the mattress. "Of course I'm being stupid."

Over in the small room at Bradbury Hall, James is pacing.

"What time is it?"

"Twelve fourteen," sighs Sirius. "It hasn't changed since the last time you asked me." Glancing at his friend, who has stopped at the head of the aisle and is threading his fingers through his hair, Sirius takes pity. "She'll be here, Prongs. Wild hippogriffs couldn't stop her."

"I know. I just -" James lets out a sound of frustration. "Have you got the rings?"

Sirius pats the breast pocket of his dress robes. "Of course."

"Right."

Peter sticks his head round the double doors and nods at the potbellied wizard conducting the ceremony, who gives James a warm smile. "Ready, son?"

"Um," says James, and Sirius lets out a bark of laughter.

"Ladies and gentlemen," begins the wizard in a loud voice, raising his arms in welcome, "please stand."

The assembly - assorted Order members who had managed to get the day off including Remus and Peter, Dorcas and Gideon, Benjy and Matthew - get to their feet, and the doors at the back of the hall swing open.

Lily, smiling in her flowing white dress, clutches the bouquet of flowers with white knuckles, this the only indication of the nerves fluttering in her veins. James swears she's bathed in light and his heart nearly stops at the sight of her, but he manages to pull himself together enough to not gape at her.

She reaches his side, and he catches his breath.

Lily's hand finds James' and he holds it tightly, whispering to her that she's beautiful as the wizard begins.

"Friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two faithful souls, James and Lily..."

James can't take his eyes off her for most of the ceremony, and she can't stop smiling; he barely manages to choke out their vows and Lily says them with tears in her twinkling eyes.

Their hands are clasped tightly as the wizard jubilantly proclaims that they are bonded for life, a broad smile on his round face. "Ladies and gentlemen: Mr and Mrs James Potter!"

James lets out the breath he's been holding in a rush. When Lily catches his gaze, she beams at him. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her, their first kiss as husband and wife, and she's smiling as their lips touch and he's smiling as they part and vows to never let her go.

"Alright, Potter?" she laughs.

"Alright," he says with a grin, brushing her cheek with his fingertips as his eyes light with amusement. "There's no going back now, _Potter_."

And she laughs at that, and throws her arms around him and he holds her tightly around her waist, clutching her to him and burying his face in her hair.

"I wouldn't change it for the world," she whispers, and he can't do anything but tell her he loves her.


	36. thirty-six - kindly

**thirty-six – kindly**

The students file into the Potions classroom behind Slughorn, most chatting idly. Severus is surrounded by a swarm of Slytherin housemates but doesn't talk to any of them; Lily is determinedly avoiding his gaze and keeping next to Anna and Judy.

With an annoyed glance in her friends' direction that she hopes Lily doesn't see, Mary dumps her satchel on the workbench next to Severus and pulls out the stool. She plonks herself on it and stares ahead, chin resting in her palm.

"Don't talk to me," she tells him airily, and he promptly closes his mouth.

A grateful smile is sent Mary's way by Lily as she scoots into the seat next to Jude.

"She hates me, I can tell."

"No, she hates him, Lily." Judy pulls out her parchment. "Just ignore it."

Reluctantly Lily takes Mary's usual seat and sets out her things, and the professor looks up as she tucks her stool in. "Miss Evans!" Slughorn says heartily, surprised. "Unless my eyes are deceiving me, you appear to have swapped places!"

At the teacher's voice, the majority of the class had stopped talking and turned to face the front, but Lily and Severus are a hot topic for the assorted Gryffindors and Slytherins, most of whom had either been down at the Lake or heard what happened. When Lily clears her throat to answer, a pin drop could be heard in the dungeon.

"I hope you don't mind, Professor," she says, forcing a smile, "but Judy has needed some help since we've started the N.E.W.T. course and it seems Severus is perfectly capable of working alone."

Lily refuses to meet the boy's eye as Slughorn chortles jovially. "Hm, that's brilliantly kind of you, m'dear."

"Alright?" Jude hisses from beside Lily, keeping her eyes fixed on the professor.

"Yeah," says Lily half-heartedly. "Thanks, Jude. I owe you."

"Don't mention it," the other replies kindly, and squeezes Lily's hand briefly.

As the rustle of pages turning fills the dungeon, the girl sitting on Severus' other side speaks in a voice just loud enough for the class to hear without the well-trained ears of Slughorn catching her words.

"Don't worry about her, _Sev_," says Mariella, pushing her dark, curly hair over her shoulder and throwing a smirk in Lily's direction. In a stage whisper: "You have better people to spend your time with."

In the row behind Lily, James' fingers itch for his wand. Oh, the things he would do to hex every one of the Slytherins to the Quidditch Pitch. As if sensing his friend's anger, Remus places a hand on James' arm and nods to the redhead, who's sitting straight upright and stock still, jaw clenched. She's focusing on the chalk scratching across the blackboard with the odd screech now and then, on the flow of black ink coming from her quill.

As she dips her quill into her inkpot, Lily's sure she hears a harshly whispered conversation from the workbench behind her where Sirius and James sit, but she ignores it. The girl turns her attention back to the board, but she can't seem to get the boy with messy black hair out of her head. He's everywhere at the moment: muttering behind her in Potions, offering her a drink at mealtimes; cockily coaxing congratulations from her mouth after a spectacular Quidditch win, comforting her in the corridor - what was it he'd said? _I don't want to hurt you._

He can be an arse at times, but Merlin, the boy drives her mad.

The lesson progresses without much interruption – the theory is much heavier now they've started the sixth-year syllabus having had their Potions O.W.L, and consequently there is little time for the strange noises whirring from cauldrons, or one too many drops of salamander bile resulting in an explosion and much hilarity – but about halfway through Robbie Vane, the Head Boy, pokes his head around the door.

"Sorry to interrupt, Professor," he says.

"Not at all, not at all, my boy," cries Slughorn, ushering the Gryffindor into the classroom.

"Professor McGonagall wanted a word with one of your students and sent me to fetch her." At this, Jude, Anna and Mariella all sit up straight. "Is Lily here?"

Lily glances up at Robbie, who she patrols with on the odd occasion, and sighs.

"Yeah," she says, beginning to pack up her books. With a sinking feeling she slides them into her bag, knowing her Head of House can only want to talk about one thing.

She pushes the stool under the workbench and excuses herself from the class, following behind the Head Boy, ignoring the dirty looks Mariella is throwing her, and before she goes she risks a glance in James' direction. He's smiling at her.

(She smiles back.)


	37. thirty-seven - letter

**thirty-seven - letter**

When James arrives at King's Cross with Sirius, he stands taller than most of the people milling about outside the station. His Head Boy badge is pinned to the lapel of his jacket at his mother's insistence, even though they still have hours before he'll be required to perform any of the related duties laid out in the heavier-than-usual letter he'd received in the dwindling days of August. A few rays of September sunshine glint off the HB superimposed onto the Gryffindor red shield.

Peter waves at them from outside the entrance and pushes off from the wall, hurrying over after saying goodbye to his mother.

"Moony's already inside with the trunks," he says as greeting, "but he was talking to Janet - she's a Prefect now - and - well, you know how things are between us since we broke up."

"Awkward and wholly uncomfortable for anyone near the pair of you," Sirius grins, clapping a hand on Peter's shoulder. "It's good to see you."

Peter smiles. "Nice badge, Prongs," he comments, amused but with a hint of admiration lacing his voice.

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter. "No it's not, mate. It's shit and he's Head Boy and the world's going to end."

A dark blue car pulls up close to them and the boys jump, none of them particularly used to the Muggle vehicles.

"Should have got her to beep at you," a voice says, "and then you would have really jumped."

James realises it's Lily climbing out of the Cortina, noticing how her hair seems to glow gold in the sun and the slenderness of her neck, her arms, dotted with freckles and -

"Bloody hell, Evans, did you pour yourself into those jeans?"

Lily laughs as she lifts her trunk out the boot and places it on the ground.

"Like what you see, Potter?" she asks, giving him a hug.

He doesn't answer, but Sirius winks at him over the top of Lily's head and James grins at his best friend.

Lily's mother opens her door. "Come on, love," she hurries, getting out the car. "You don't want to miss the train."

Lily rolls her eyes playfully and wraps her arms around Sally.

"I'll see you in December, Mum," she says, and she refuses to think about the first time they did this and how her Dad was standing with his arm around her Mum and Tuney was there - angry and hurt, but _there - _and now it's just the two of them. "Don't have too much fun without me, yeah?"

Sally gives a watery laugh. "Stay safe, pet. Bye, lads," she calls, getting back into the car. The three boys give her a wave. "And keep your hands off my daughter!"

"No problem, Mrs E," laughs Sirius, "but I can't say James can make the same promise!"

James shoves him into their luggage trolley that now holds his trunk as well as Sirius', and picks Lily's trunk up onto its wheels, busying himself with the task to hide his red cheeks.

"Bye, Mum," says Lily forcefully, trying to fight her own blush without much success. Turning to the boys, she asks, "Where's Remus?"

"Inside," says Peter, and then, "with Janet."

"Ah," says Lily, "I see."

She touches James' arm, letting him know they're going in, and smiles at him. Sirius rolls his eyes and turns to walk through the doors to King's Cross, and Peter shakes his head.

"Come on," he says, and the four of them make their way to the Hogwarts Express for the last time.


	38. thirty-eight - lost

**thirty-eight - lost**

"Ooh, that's an easy mistake made by Gryffindor's Chaser there!"

James swears at Archie dropping the Quaffle and twists his broom around, flying to intercept the Ravenclaw Chaser so his fellow team mate can try and get the ball again.

"And that's ten points to Ravenclaw!" shouts Smart, as their Chaser puts the Quaffle through the hoops, earning raucous cheers from the blue-clad end of the stadium and jeers from students decked in green. "The score stands at 90-50 to Ravenclaw, folks, so Gryffindor have got ground to make up! Looks like Potter's realised and - bloody hell! Ah, sorry Professor! That _was_ a good shot though!"

James, incensed by the Slytherins' riling, had swerved and stolen the Quaffle from the hands of one of the Ravenclaw Chasers, bringing it into his arms with dexterity and tossing it through the hoop almost before anyone could blink.

As he shoots around the stadium, hollering words of praise to his team, he catches Lily's eye. She gives him an encouraging smile when he shakes his head the tiniest fraction, willing him not to give up. The way the points stand, if Gryffindor lose this match they depend on Hufflepuff losing their match against Slytherin in a fortnight's time to be in with any chance of winning the House Cup. If James doesn't believe in the game, no-one will.

With a push upwards, he flies towards his Seeker.

"Just find the Snitch, Dom, okay?" James tells him. "Don't worry about anything else. Jack and Mitch've got your back."

Focusing on the rest of the team, he calls, "Sevens!" to his fellow Chasers and the three of them form an arrowhead, causing the Ravenclaw who was about to score to let the Quaffle slip through their fingers. Roberta catches it deftly and passes to James, who yells, "Nice work, Bobby," over his shoulder as he turns to pitch the ball through a goal.

"It's evening out, ladies and gents," says Smart excitedly. "90-70, Ravenclaw lead! But - wait! Borthwick's making a dive! She's seen the Snitch! She's seen the Snitch!"

Pulling his broom around, James watches in horror as Dominic tails the Ravenclaw Seeker, a broom-bristle's width behind her.

"She's almost got it -!"

James yells at the Beaters to do something but one Bludger's on it's way to Bobby, one to Archie.

"_Yes!_ She's caught the Snitch! Katy Borthwick has caught the Snitch! That's one hundred and fifty points to Ravenclaw!"

(James swears, loudly.)

After he's congratulated the other team and their Captain, and given the Gryffindors a pep talk in the changing rooms, he throws himself down moodily on the bench. For _Merlin's_ sake.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back against the wall, letting out a breath, and a hand touches his shoulder lightly.

"Bloody hell, you made me jump!" he says.

"Sorry," Lily murmurs, running her fingers through his hair.

He pulls her onto his lap and buries her face in his shoulder, grunting. "Don't suppose you'd Obliviate me, would you?"

Lily laughs, trying not to let out that _it's only a game._

"Come on, it wasn't that bad. You scored four of our six goals."

"Seven."

"Sorry?"

"Seven goals."

"Oh." Lily bites her lip. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"

James moves his head to look at her. She brushes his hair off his forehead.

"We lost."

"I know," she tells him. "But it doesn't matter. You were amazing out there, every one of you. It was just...bad luck that Katy saw the Snitch before Dom."

Swallowing the lump in his throat, James speaks again. "We let everyone down." _I let everyone down._

Lily clasps his chin in her fingers and looks him straight in the eye. "Listen to me, James Potter, you didn't let any one down. I'm so proud of you."

He tucks a curl of hair behind her ear and she leans into his touch.

"I mean it. No-one's worried about the game. And besides, us Gryffindors can get drunk and have a good time whether we win or lose." He allows her a laugh, and she smiles. "Now go and have a shower, Potter. For all our sakes."

He throws a hand to his chest. "You wound me."

Lily laughs again and kisses him. "Shower," she says.

"If you come with," he shoots back, and it takes her all of two seconds to decide.

* * *

**a/n: **omg tho authors can now select up to four main characters but I have no ideas ugh sobbing on the floor in simultaneous excitement and despair

also I'm sorry if the Quidditch scene sucked but I've never written one before and wanted to try it.


	39. thirty-nine - nightmare

**thirty-nine - nightmare**

Lily stands in the doorway for a moment, watching James as he flicks through the Quidditch pages at the back of the Prophet, before deciding that she really wants him to be looking at her, not a newpaper. She pulls it from his grasp and plops into his lap with a grin. He raises an eyebrow at her, and she plants kisses along his jawline in response; moving down his neck; sucking at his pulse point for a moment. Her fingers scrape his chest and toy with the hair at the back of his head, while his grip her hips firmly and rub up and down the small of her back, before he shakes his head to clear it. James pushes Lily's hands off him, pointing at the newspaper on the table for some reason unknown to him, but the object manages to help him calm down.

"Merlin, Evans, I know I'm irresistible, but in the kitchen? You're a nightmare."

With a self-satisfied smirk, Lily rests her forehead on James'. "Don't act like you don't enjoy it, Potter. And what's wrong with the kitchen?" She slips into the seat opposite him, making sure to put her bare legs up on the other chair in James' full view. "It's never stopped you before."

He chuckles and shakes his head again. "My fiancée is morally depraved and utterly incorrigible," he declares. "And put your legs away, you bloody minx."

Lily grins and leans over to grab the discarded Prophet. Thumbing through, she comments absently, "Newt Scamander's got his Order of Merlin."

"Mm?" James pours them both orange juice and passes her a glass.

"Second class, _in recognition of his services to Magizoology_. Sounds like a load of -"

She puts her glass to the side and sits forward, reading the paper intently. James glances at her, her sudden silence surprising him.

"What the - have you seen this?"

Lily throws the Prophet down on the table furiously.

"Eligibility Test!" she exclaims. "It's not _enough_, apparently, for you to have to record your blood-status when you submit a job application, and then apply again when you mysteriously get turned down - no! Now you have to pass a Wizarding Eligibility Test to determine if you're deemed fit to hold a wand!" She snorts. "The Ministry can fuck right off if they think I'm taking that. I'll be the Robin Hood of my day, James. I don't care."

"The who?" James picks up the paper with a frown and scans the article. "Everyone has to take it, Lil. It's not just Muggle-borns."

Lily raises her eyebrows incredulously. "You actually believe that they'll turn around and tell a Pureblood he can't practice magic? That they'll go strolling into Malfoy Mannor and revoke a couple of wands, or take 'em off the Lestranges 'cause they dropped a couple of marks? Face it, James. They have exactly the same agenda as Voldemort, but they're just cowering behind bureaucracy."

"I didn't say that. I just said that they are at least making everyone take it."

"Hm, I wonder who'll be up for scrutiny first. Muggle-borns or Purebloods, what do you think? Don't look at me like that! You don't understand."

"I understand, Lily, and I'm as angry as you are -"

"Yeah, you seem it."

"- but shouting at the newspaper won't change anything."

Lily regards him suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

James grins at her. "Don't you think it would be better to shout at some people?"

Lily bites her lip, holding back a smile.

"Come on," he says, leaning over and kissing her. "Let's go and make some mischief."

* * *

**a/n:** omg omg omg 100 reviews! You lot are_ the best_. Thank you so very, very much!


	40. forty - overwhelming

**forty - overwhelming**

The TV's blaring with _Multi-Coloured Swap Shop_ to amuse the younger members of their family - they're all here for the wedding which is taking place in a few days time. Petunia clears her throat and flicks over the page of her magazine, biting her tongue to keep from yelling at the little brats to shut up and leave her in peace.

Sally pops into the lounge with her apron on and says, "I've just put the kettle on. You couldn't go and ask if Lily and James want tea, could you, pet?"

Petunia sighs loudly and pushes up from the sofa, throwing down her magazine. Anything to escape the children which, she decides, will be nothing like her own. Her children won't need to swap their bloody toys, because she will give them everything. She will be a _good_ mother.

"I will, please," she calls to Sally as she ascends the stairs, "milk and three sugars."

Laughter reaches her ears before she's climbed to the top. Lily's door is pushed ajar as Petunia gets to the landing and she stops, unsure of whether to even go in at all. She's had other boyfriends, of course, and she knows Lily isn't a saint, but she's still reluctant to barge in on her little sister doing - things - with her boyfriend. In the end, she knocks loudly on the door.

More giggles hit her and someone coughs. "Yeah?"

Petunia risks pushing the door open and sticks her long neck around it. "Mum wants to know if you want tea."

As she looks at them she wrinkles her nose. James is lying on top of Lily, one hand tangled in her hair and other at her waist. Her arms are wrapped around his neck and although they're both catching their breath, they don't look as if they've been going at it. Petunia wouldn't put it past them, to be honest, but she supposes they must have some sense of decency.

"Um," says Lily, and she thinks for a moment. "Okay. If she's making some."

Petunia looks at James, an eyebrow raised. His hair is ruffled and his cheeks are a little red and he looks so happy to be there with Lily, just there, even though he's got his grubby hands all over her, that it breaks her heart a little. She loves Vernon. She really, really, truly does. But she's not sure he ever looks at her like that; like she's magic.

She's not sure he knows how.

"Yes please," he says, "if it's going. Just milk, no sugar."

"Okay," she says curtly, quietly, and pulls the door to, sighing.

Petunia hears a cry of "James!", and Lily's laughing laughing laughing, and he is too. "James, stop it!"

For a moment Petunia allows it to overwhelm her and she's just a girl listening to her little sister, her best friend, and everything is normal. Then: "I swear to Merlin, if you don't stop tickling me I will take your broom hostage and owl it to you twig by bloody twig."

Her jaw tightens and she remembers that she isn't Lily. She remembers that she isn't special; she isn't _magical_, and that's just the way it is.


	41. forty-one - playful

**fourty-one - playful**

(Evan Rosier is the first person to call her a Mudblood.)

She's sitting with Sev outside the greenhouses, telling him how her parents always tape _Top of the Pops_ for her while she's away and that he should come and watch it with them, like he used to, and how if she watches it with Tuney it might help sort things out between her and her sister -

"You have a sister?"

Lily looks around, startled at the interruption, and finds two of Sev's Slytherin pals coming towards them, Mulciber leading the way. They sit on the bench beside the pair, a little (lot) too close for comfort, in Lily's mind.

"Yeah," she affirms, and turns back to Sev.

"Older or younger?" one of them asks, and Lily rolls her eyes, wondering if this is going where she thinks it's going. Back home people often ask after her leggy blonde sister, and she responds in jest, but she's not so certain of the boys' motives.

"Older," she says, wary.

Rosier frowns. "She doesn't go here, though. Beauxbatons?" he supposes.

Lily's lip turns in confusion. "Where?"

Sev closes his eyes briefly at her comment, knowing that this is the moment when the others will find out that -

"Wait, are you _Muggle-born_?" asks Mulciber, wrinkling his nose at the realisation that the young redhead doesn't know of the other schools of magic.

Lily sits up straighter, affronted. "_Yes_. What's it to you?"

The other two chuckle. "Didn't realise you were hanging around with a Mudblood, Sev," Rosier sneers, and they slide off the bench, sauntering over to Herbology.

Lily glances at Sev, bewilderment etched in every line of her face. She can't misunderstand Rosier's spiteful tone, though, and her eyes well with tears.

Sev looks away, hopping off the bench. "We should go."

Later on during the lesson, after Lily has managed to drop two watering cans and smash a plant pot on the floor, Judy and Mary share a glance from their spot next to their friend and, finding a blank look on her face, steer her over to the soil store. Firm hands on drooping shoulders, they ask what happened.

Finally: "What's a Mudblood?" Lily asks, barely audible.

James, beside her flinging compost playfully across the greenhouse at Sirius with his trowel, looks at her suddenly, mouth open.

"Evans!"

She turns to him, watery eyes wide. "What?"

"Don't say that!" he says firmly, gesturing with the trowel.

"Why?" she asks, shoving Mary's hands off her. "What is it?"

"It's - well, it means _dirty blood_. It's just about the worst insult for Muggle-born wizards. And witches," he adds, appraising her. "Why are you using it? I bet it's something you've picked up from Sniv -"

Lily glares at him. "I'm not! It's what someone called - it's what someone called me."

Judy's jaw drops and the trowel clatters out of James' hands. He pushes past Peter, who'd come over to enquire whether James was planning on getting back to their bench before the end of the century, and stops directly in front of her.

"Someone called you a - ? Evans, you need tell McGonagall about this."

Lily sniffs and glowers at him. "_You're_ just as cruel with the stunts you pull, Potter. Let it go."

"Who was it?" he presses.

"I'm not telling you," says Lily, raising her head, "because you'll just go after them. I'm sure they didn't mean it."

"I'm sure," he shoots back sardonically, rolling his eyes. He drops down briefly, bending to retrieve his trowel from the stone floor, and strolls back to his bench, jaw clenched.

Lily watches him go, eyes narrowed slightly, and she returns to her spot too, deciding that however honourable his preaching may be, she doesn't like James Potter at all.

* * *

**a/n: **thank you so much for all your lovely reviews about the last chapter. So, it's opinion time: I have three chapters left unwritten; should I do one in a similar style to 40 but from Snape's perspective?


	42. forty-two - queasy

**a/n: **to clarify, I have three chapters left to write but seven left to post (after this one), so there will be 50. Sorry if that was confusing!

**forty-two - queasy**

_The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5_ is spread out on the table before her, red hair splayed out over the pages, hand scribbling as her quill works over her parchment. James makes his way over, running his fingers down the spines of various books that are closer and closer to her, finally pulling out a tome from the shelf opposite her.

With a glance around the library to make sure no-one's watching, he places it on the table and flicks through it.

Taking a breath, he says, "Alright, Evans?"

Lily looks up at him for a moment before returning to her book, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

She bites her lip and says, "I know Charms isn't your best, but I don't suppose you understand this, do you?", just as James licks his lips to speak.

"Look, Evans, I was wondering if - what?"

"Substansive Charms," she clarifies, and then blinks. "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. What were you saying?"

"I - um - no, it's fine." He gestures at the book and sits down. "Can I have a look?"

Lily pushes it over to him and her fingers brush his as she does, and she can't help but notice the bloom of pink tingeing in his cheeks. It surprises her: she's not used to seeing this side of him. Usually he's cocky, striding down the corridor with a grin on his face and Sirius at his side, casually slinging hexes at her best friend and the other Slytherins when tensions rise (but mostly when they don't).

"You see those notes in the margin? They make the main text clearer." He shrugs. "At least, they make it clearer if it means what I think it means."

"Oh," she says. "Right." She scribbles a few notes and then places down her quill. "So, Potter. What did you come over for?"

James swallows and shuts his book to busy himself. He's feeling a little queasy. "I was just - well, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out some time."

"Go out?" she says.

"Yeah." He runs a shaky hand through his hair. "We could go to the Three Broomsticks, maybe."

"As a date?"

He frowns at her. "Yeah."

She lets out a breath and turns to him, eyebrow raised. "I don't understand." He's never really talked to her before now, not properly anyway, or outside of lessons, so she says, "Why do you want to go on a date with me?"

"I - Merlin, Evans. I think you're nice. Pretty. Up for a laugh. It'd be fun, that's all." He clears his throat, looking away, standing up, pushing her papers around the table. She watches him. He thinks she's nice. And pretty, and _good for a laugh_.

Although it's not much, and although she spends her time with much more delightful people, there's a tug in her chest at his words.

"Don't worry about it," he says suddenly. "It's not important." He's still shuffling the papers. "I can ask some one else. I'm sure Shannon'll say yes, eh?"

James shoots her the cocky smirk she's so used to and she rolls her eyes. He returns his book to the shelf and walks back to the table he was sharing with Sirius.

"So, what did she say?" he asks, nudging his friend with a barking laugh.

James shrugs. "Her loss."

"Yeah," Sirius says, catching on to his friend's mood. "She doesn't know what she's missing."

James lets out a laugh, but his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.


	43. forty-three - ridiculous

**forty-three – ridiculous**

Lily reaches over, attempting to grab the curling tongs from Mary.

"Look, I need them more than you do! _I _have a date," she says loftily. "So give 'em."

"_You _have a date with your boyfriend," the other reminds her, "and he wouldn't care if you turned up starkers in your granny's slippers. In fact," she muses, "he'd probably prefer it."

The redhead narrows her eyes and picks up her wand, aiming the Heating Charm at the tongs. It was the only solution they'd found to the problem of Muggle electric appliances going haywire around magic.

"_Accio curling tongs_," Lily mutters, and Mary yelps as they fly out of her hand, the loose plug hitting her wrist.

"Uncalled for," she declares, and pokes her tongue out at her friend.

There's a groan from a bed with the hangings shut, and a hand peeps out and chucks a pillow at them.

"Would you be quiet? It's the middle of the bloody night."

"It's nine o'clock, Anna, so shut your face. _We _have places to go and people to see."

With much muttering from Anna and the occasional fight over the contents of the make-up bag between Lily and Mary, the girls are finally ready and make their way down to the common room. A slight twinge hits Lily's stomach when she notices James isn't there, but Mary squeezes her hand as if she knows what her friend is thinking_._

Lily gives her a look and climbs out of the portrait hole with butterflies floating in her tummy. _Really,_ Mary tells her, _you're being ridiculous._

Peter dashes over to them as they descend the staircase to the Entrance Hall.

"Lily – Lily! Hi – sorry – uhm – James wanted me to tell you that he'll meet you in the village because he's been held up. He's really sorry. He thinks you're going to murder him. No, really, Lily, he was almost hyperventilating. Don't tell him I said so."

The girls giggle and Peter smiles, glad he's conveyed the message, and they walk to the carriages. Lily sits in silence during the ride while Mary and Pete chat mindlessly, the girl informing him of the sordid details of her relationship with Reg, the boy occasionally wincing, but Lily tunes it out.

He wouldn't stand her up, would he?

Lily hops down from the carriage and trudges off to the Three Broomsticks, dread weighing her down. She finds a seat in a corner booth and slides into it, resting her chin in her palm. She feels rubbish, and when she looks up the new arrival doesn't make her spirits rise.

"You're really doing it then?"

"What?" she asks acidly, as he drops into the empty seat opposite her.

"Going out with him. Letting him be with you. Letting him touch you."

Lily rolls her eyes.

"I really don't think you're in a position to lecture me about whose company I spend my time in, Severus."

"You used to hate him."

"People change. _You_ did," Lily shoots back. "James has grown up, and I like him. He likes me too, and he respects me, and he stands up for me, Sev. I'm happy. And if you really want to deny me that, our friendship obviously didn't mean as much to you as it did to me."

Now it's Severus' turn to roll his eyes. "You're not happy, Lily. You're fooling yourself." The door to the pub bangs open and he glances up. "You'll see."

Lily ignores him and turns to the other black-haired boy on his way in, forcing a bright smile to her face. Severus scowls and leaves, and James tries – he really, _really _tries – not to punch the bugger in his hook-nosed face.

He manages it too.

James motions drinking to her and she nods. He signals to Rosemerta for two Butterbeers, glancing back at his girlfriend. She seems downcast and he frowns, thanking the barmaid and carrying the drinks over.

"Hi," he grins, and she takes her glass.

"Hi," she intones, and he takes her hand.

"What's wrong?"

Lily says, "Nothing," and takes a gulp of Butterbeer, washing away her hard feelings with the drink. He's here, after all, like she always knew he would be – he'd never been late before – and he's holding her hand and his eyes are searching hers and his warm skin tingles on her fingers.

It's just James.

She smiles. "Nothing."


	44. forty-four - sacrilegious

**forty-four - sacrilegious**

He watches with a curled lip as the silver doe leaps elegantly from the end of her wand and canters the length of the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Professor Flitwick and Professor Folly (due to the difficulty of the Patronus Charm, the two teachers were taking the Seventh Year classes together while they were covering this area of the syllabus) utter sounds of surprise and congratulations, beaming as the doe soars over the students' heads, and Lily herself is smiling bashfully. James laughs, and whistles at her, and it's shining through his eyes how proud of her he is.

Although his friends might have issue at the fact that Lily, a (wonderful talented beautiful perfect) Muggle-born witch, has managed to produce a corporeal Patronus before any of them, it is James' expression that makes Severus' stomach churn.

Across from Lily, Roberta lets out a gasp as a translucent owl swoops around the room, and with the attention of most people diverted, James wraps his arms around his girlfriend and kisses her. He bends slightly to whisper something in Lily's ear and she giggles, swatting his arm; and he tells her how brilliant she is, and she hits him again, blushing. It makes Severus sick to see her like that; it's the kind of half-pleased-half-embarrassed flush that comes from the loving words of someone she cares about tell her she's wonderful. It's sacrilegious; an actual desecration of something sacred: Lily is magical, and James is defiling her with his dirty hands. Severus is not sure if he wants to be the one holding Lily (he does, and the ache inside him is so great he feels like it's washing down over him and he has to gasp for breath or else he'll drown), he just doesn't want James Potter to be the one doing it.

Lily's eyes are getting wider and she's nodding at James and laughing and _go on, James, you do it._

He's uncharacteristically unsure and glances at Lily. She smiles at him, hopping up and perching on the edge of her table. She swings her legs.

"You can do it, love. _Expecto Patronum. _Just think of something that makes you happy."

James turns so he's facing her fully, and he scans her face with a soft smile. Raising his wand, he calls the incantation, and lets out his breath in a short huff as a silver stag bursts forward.

His eyes meet Lily's and she looks at him with an eyebrow cocked. "Well, would you look at that?" she comments dryly. "We match. You love me, Potter, and you can't deny it."

Severus' breath hitches at the word _love_. James doesn't love her. He's using her to get what he wants, and she's too deluded to see it. A fool, blinded by kind words and lingering touches.

"What can I say, Evans?" James spreads his hands in a gesture of innocence, the wicked grin on his face somewhat ruining the impression. He takes a step closer to her and lifts her chin with his fingers. "You're irresistible."

Severus snorts and raises his own wand, scowling. By now most of the class have managed to conjure a Patronus - a half-formed wisp if not a corporeal one. Severus murmurs the incantation, refusing to be beaten by James Potter, but as the doe skips around his head his eyes widen and his face morphs into an expression of surprise infinitesimally before it falls back into a glower. With another snort, he tosses his wand down. _Just his luck._

His wand stays discarded on the top of his desk and he (resolutely absolutely definitely) does not look at Lily and James for the rest of the lesson.

* * *

**a/n:** I'm so sorry for the late update. You have permission to throw virtual tomatoes at me.


	45. forty-five - sin

**forty-five - sin**

The first time James catches sight Lily, before he even knows her name, the only thing he registers is that her hair is really rather orange. Then his gaze has moved on, scanning over the bustling crowds of excited pupils and tearful parents and hooting owls and clunking luggage trolleys. Platform 9¾ is really something to behold.

He's listened to his father's regaled tales of the magnificent castle his whole life; his mother talks of the teachers, her friends, how she knows they'll do him proud.

"Mum, get off," he says, pushing at her hand as she paws at his cheek with a handkerchief. "I'm eleven years old. I'm not a baby."

He misses the amused look his parents share; he's anxiously searching around the platform for a familiar face. James notices a couple of older girls who are daughters of his parents friends, and standing not far from them is a chubby blonde boy his age he knows.

Grinning, he calls, "Peter!"

The boy in question turns without letting go of his mother's hand, searching for whoever shouted his name. Standing on tip-toes and peering over the people milling about, he finally catches sight of a head of messy black hair and the glint of light off glasses.

"James!" he exclaims, watery eyes lighting up in recognition.

James untangles himself from his Mum's embrace, impatient to get on his way to Hogwarts for the first time, and pushes his way through the crowds to Peter, with Henry Potter loading his son's trunk onto a rack by the nearest door.

"Alright, Pete?" asks James as he reaches his friend, and Peter smiles anxiously.

"Yeah."

"C'mon," James says, pulling Peter's arm, and with a hand from his father he climbs up onto the train.

"Bye Dad," he calls, grinning, waving as the train begins to pull out of the station. "See you at Christmas!"

With Peter in tow he turns to move down the corridor and find an empty compartment when he crashes into the orange-haired girl he'd seen for a moment earlier. "Oh, sorry," James says over his shoulder as he continues past her, and she gives him a small shrug, tears in her eyes.

She slips into a compartment as he glances at Peter and they shrug at each other. With a ruffle of his hair, James follows her, and the both he and Peter casually peer in past the glass in the door when they're outside.

Peter says he reckons it would be alright for them to sit there, because she's just curled up against the window with her breath huffing against the glass, so they push open the door.

"Can we sit here?" the boys ask, but she makes no response so they sigh and sit down anyway. Peter's launched into a story about his summer and James is drumming his fingers on his thighs as he watches Muggle London whizzing past when a long-haired boy sticks his head around the door. James thinks it's hideously unfair that he's always being told to have his haircut when this kid's obviously never been to a barber in his life - although his hair falls somewhat more elegantly than James' ever could.

"D'you mind if I sit here?" the boy says, sitting down next to Lily but ignoring both her and Peter. His grey eyes search only James' for refusal.

"Nope," says James cheerfully. "We were getting bored anyway." And ignoring Peter's annoyed nudge, he says, "I'm James."

"Sirius," says the other, and James raises his eyebrows.

"Seriously?" asks Peter.

"Yes," says Sirius, glowering at him as if a mortal sin had been committed, "and if you ever make that stupid joke again, then so help me Merlin. I will set your trousers on fire."

James' eyes widen behind his glasses for a moment before he bursts out laughing, and Peter frowns and turns to look out the window.

Sirius grins at James, and James grins back, and although neither of them truly understand the significance of the moment, it is the beginning of a friendship that will change the course of history.

* * *

**a/n:** so it's my head canon that James and Peter knew each other before Hogwarts. And it's a little pet peeve of mine when in fics James falls in love with Lily as soon as he sees her on the platform. He's 11, and in my experience, boys don't:

- fall in love at that age

- particularly notice girls, and if they do

- have anything more to say than "Ew. Girls."


	46. forty-six - thunder

**forty-six - thunder**

Lily curls into the sleeping bag, tucking her knees up to her stomach. (It's how she always used to sleep when she and Sev were little and camping outside in her Grandad's old army tent in the garden, when the darkness pulled down around them and the foxes and owls and cats and dogs were making the night-time noises that weren't scary from the comfort of her bed.)

She tugs the sleeves of James' Quidditch jumper down so they cover her hands, and leaves her fingers just peeking out so she can brush away errant strands of hair that fall in her face.

Lily blows out a shaky breath, lips trembling, and closes her eyes. She's waiting and wanting for sleep to whisk her away into the painless oblivion and let her forget tonight, but all she gets is McGonagall's call of _Potter!_ She does it softly, as if afraid to disturb the peace, and, _make sure Miss Evans is alright._

As James nods, disregarding his patrolling and navigating his way through the sleeping bags and sleeping students, Lily counts the stars in the blood-stained sky above the Great Hall.

The call had come from Rosmerta that Hogsmeade was under fire, and an ashen-faced Dumbledore made his way there to investigate. The attack on the village tested much faith in the safety of the school - if Dark magic could reach Hogsmeade, it could reach Hogwarts - but the first thundering boom resounding through the castle shattered any illusion staff and students alike had about their school as a haven. Thumps and bangs and crashes came from outside the Great Hall; inside the windows were rattling in their panes and many children were screaming.

The younger students were instructed to get under the tables and hide, keeping each other safe, and the older students, who had been given permission to fight if they wanted to provided they were of age, started securing the Hall while the teachers reinforced the double doors.

Lily doesn't remember much from the events from then on, but she'll never forget the moment she caught sight of the writing on the wall visible through the double doors that had been blasted away.

_You're next, Mudbloods._

The terror shaking through the castle's foundations, shattering the ages-old stone, was shaking through _her_ foundations, rattling _her_ bones. Hogwarts, their last defence, had been breached, and she didn't know if she would make it through the night.

Now she buries her head in James chest and her body shakes, but she doesn't cry.

"They won't hurt you," he promises, stroking her hair and brushing her forehead with his lips. "I'm not going to let them."

"This is the part where I say I don't need anyone to look after me, isn't it?" she whispers, all childlike and vulnerable, and it breaks his heart.

Later, he asks her how she's feeling.

"Scared. Terrified." The words are released against his neck and he feels her breath, hot on his skin. "But I'm not giving in. I'm not backing down."

She pulls back in his embrace and looks at him. "That's what my Dad always used to say. _The game's not over 'til you've given 'em what for. _So I will. I'm gonna fight, James."

James smiles at her, eyes softening behind his glasses. Lily takes them off him, folds them and places them next to the pillow, swallowing as she does so. He waits, knowing she's working out what to say next.

"I have to fight." The words spill out quickly, and she looks away almost as soon as she's said them. "I have to." She leans her forehead against his. "All of this, it's about me and people like me. I want you with me, and I know I shouldn't drag you into it and I understand if you don't want to -"

"Lily," he whispers, "of course I'm going to fight. _I_ have to, too. It's not the same, I get that. I'm a Pureblood. But I have to. I have to stand up for what's right, because it doesn't look like anyone else will."

Her heart beats a little faster. (James is not fighting for her; that would make him reckless, dangerous. He's fighting because he has to do what's right.)

"I love you, Lily Evans," he tells her. "I love you."

She smiles at him, a slow smile that spreads across her face and creases her eyes. "I love you, too, James. You know that, don't you?"

He lets out a laugh against her collarbone, breath tickling her skin. _Yeah_, he says, and he's kissing her, and underneath the blood-stained sky she holds him just that little bit tighter.

* * *

**a/n:** so if any of this is confusing, Death Eaters attacked Hogsmeade as a diversion for an attack on Hogwarts, but eventually got fought off. In the aftermath, students all slept in the Great Hall while the castle was restored and Prefects had to patrol on half-hour rotations to keep an eye on students in case they needed anything or whatever, much like after Sirius breaks in in PoA.

Boom.


	47. forty-seven - vicious

**a/n: **I'm just apologising in advance for the atrocity that is Hagrid's speech in this. I cringe when I read it so it's acceptable for you to do the same. I don't even really like Hagrid that much but he always seems to tell Harry nice things about James and Lily.

**forty seven – vicious**

Lily's on her way to Care of Magical Creatures when she hears his heavy, plodding footsteps behind her. She turns around and greets him with a smile.

"Arigh' Lily?" Hagrid asks.

"Been better," she replies, because it's true – she's fresh-faced and newly sixteen but she slapped Mulciber in the Great Hall yesterday and has been talked about since then.

He frowns down at her, concern etched in his features. "Whassa matter with yeh?"

She thinks for a moment as they descend the grassy banks of to the Black Lake where Anna is waiting for her – today they're studying Grindylows and have to collaborate with their Defence Against the Dark Arts partners.

"I just get so tired of it sometimes, you know? Being an outsider. I feel like I have to prove myself all the time and it's not fair."

Hagrid nods. "I know the feelin'," he booms, and stops to put a hand on her shoulder. She nearly buckles under the weight but tries not to wince. "I wish I could tell yeh it gets easieh, but it don't. Stick wi' it tho', Lily. Yeh'll get thru."

She gives him a grateful smile and waves as he heads off to his hut, greeting Anna when she reaches her.

Professors Kettleburn and Gamp (the stern, hard-set brunette has scared them – all of them – into paying attention this year) are waiting for the class to settle. Shivering and bemoaning the fact that _it's January, for Merlin's sake_, the students generally protest for far longer than is necessary and only the threat of punishment shuts everybody up.

"Right," Kettleburn announces, taking charge. "Today we'll be looking at the Grindylow -"

"But Professor, we already_ did_ them -"

"We studied Grindylows in _Third Year_ -"

"Professor -"

He claps his hands together. "I _know _you have already covered Grindylows, but the Headmaster feels it may not have been done – ah – sufficiently." With a surreptitious glance at Gamp, who inclines her head, Kettleburn clears his throat, reddening slightly. "Not with you of course," he adds hastily, "and I'm sure the revision you'll have done with Professor Gamp will be perfectly adequate, but it is O.W.L year and we want you to do the best you can do."

James, who's been down at the Black Lake for a while now and is getting bored, hiss-whispers, "Evans!"

"But Sir, it's _freezing_!"

"We have chosen to look at them at this time of year, Talcott, because the iciness of the water will suitably subdue them. They are known to be quite vicious creatures," – he seemed to perk up at this prospect – "as I am sure you are aware."

"Evans!"

"I understand Professor Gamp has already put you into groups so if you could find your partner please and come to the edge of the water…yes, that's it…"

"Oi, Evans -"

"What?" she asks, annoyed.

Satisfied he's got her attention, he leans back on his hands. "How was detention?"

"I said the _edge_ of the water, Stebbins, not _in _the water…"

Lily rolls her eyes and stands, brushing her hands.

"Evans -"

"_What?_"

"You've got grass on your bum, d'ya want me to get it off for you?"

She glares at him. Crossly: "No."

"Sure?" asks James, reaching his hand up.

She slaps it away. "_Yes._"

"Alright, I was only asking."

Lily tugs Anna's hand and pulls her to the edge of the lake, fuming. The girl nearly trips and falls into the water but Lily grabs her friend's robes and the two double over in giggles.

James watches the scene with thoughtful amusement and glances at Sirius, grinning. "Wanna know what I'm thinking, Padfoot?"

Peter looks at him, eager. "What is it?"

The boy stands up and rumples his hair, running a hand through it. "I think the girls might enjoy a swim at this time of year, don't you?"

There's a pause, and then: "You're an idiot, Prongs."

"Shush, Moony." Sirius turns to James, a mischievous grin on his face. "Mate, I say go for it. It's the only time you'll get her wet."

"Oi!" James admonishes, and Remus rolls his eyes.

"Potter! Black!" Gamp calls. "Hurry up, boys!"

"C'mon," says James, leading them down to the lake.

Peter laughs gleefully as Prongs walks over to Lily. They hang back by the rocks, Remus attempting to lure Sirius into doing some work, all eyes fixed on the two Gryffindors. The boys watch as he approaches her – there's the sound of an _Alright, Evans?_ and her irritated reply. James points to something on the ground and with much expansive gesturing he gets Lily to bend down and look at it and then his hands are around her waist and she straightens and _Potter! Put me down! _and _As you wish, Evans -_

There's a splash and she sinks under the water, but she's grabbed onto his tie and yanks him under too.

Sirius lets out a bark of laughter.

Lily emerges coughing, spluttering, and "_Bloody – wanking – arse –_ _POTTER!_"

James surfaces, shaking out his dark hair, and grins like a madman. Lily stumbles out of the lake, goose-bumps littering her arms, and Anna casts a Drying Charm on her friend, the rest of the class laughing.

The boy chuckles as he leaves the water and he looks at Lily, water droplets streaming down her face, shirt plastered to her body, and wants to savour the image forever. He turns back to his friends, expecting to see the three of them laughing, but he's met with the rather more imposing figure of Professor Gamp.

_Shit._


	48. forty-eight - want

**a/n: **if you ever need inspiration, use the Almost Totally Random Writing Exercise Generator. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to endorse it but it's fab, and it's how we ended up with this, from _shattered glass_.

**forty-eight - want**

(It's messy and bloody and they were outnumbered from the start.)

Lily was having lunch with Mary in The Leaky Cauldron on one of her rare days off from the Order when the Death Eaters had struck, firing curses and hexes and other Dark spells into the bustle of shoppers milling around Diagon Alley. She'd first noticed the commotion from the screams coming from outside; glancing out the window, she'd seen two people fall and the shattered glass of a shop front, so she'd sent a Patronus to Moody and James.

When the others arrived, they'd jumped into the fray, but from the off Lily had known it would be a difficult one to win. The Death Eaters were heavy in numbers and struck imposing figures with their masks and robes; many of the shoppers were women with children who'd Apparated as soon as they could so there were few people left to defend those who had to stay.

Fabian yells as a Blasting Curse and a stream of fire shoots over his head and hits the building behind him, ducking out the way just in time. He slings a curse back at his opponent, and Gideon hurls Water-Making Charms at the shop but the fire has quickly taken hold and roars through the property, flames flickering ever nearer to the other shops in the street.

Lily's just knocked down a Death Eater - his mask comes off as he falls and she vaguely recognises the pointed face of Igor Karkaroff - when a delighted cackle reaches her ears. The dark haired witch in front her twirls her wand and nearly hits James, but Lily gets there first, sending a Shield Charm his way and then an Impediment Jinx at Bellatrix.

With a snarl, the older woman turns on Lily. The two begin to duel, and as their flickering jets of light are crossing, the force of the fire raging in the building behind them blows the glass from its pane. Lily, distracted as a body comes thumping down in front of her, screams when Bellatrix hits her with the Cruciatus Curse, and gasps a spell to send back.

"Lily?" James calls, cursing as he deflects a hex and swipes his wand back at his opponent.

"Fine!" comes the breathless reply, and he flashes her a glance just long enough to see she's battling again, her long red hair flying wildly with shoulders squared as she dances around Bellatrix's capering curses. He blasts Rosier backwards and turns to look at her properly. She'd stepped up for him, fighting his battle, and there's a new determination in her face that says Bellatrix will not win, not this time, and her eyes are bright and he can't help himself; before he can stop them, the words trip over his lips and he's reaching her and saying, "Lily. Marry me, Lily."

"What?" Lily pulls up short with her attention diverted and her wand arm drops to her side, Bellatrix's spell sailing narrowly over her shoulder.

James throws the witch back with a forceful hex and grabs Lily's hand, bringing her to him. "I love you," he says. Sirius swears loudly as a Death Eater shouts another curse at the building, already weak from the flames. It begins to crumble and tiles from the roof drop perilously down to the ground.

"Hold!" he cries, alerting the others while shooting a Stabilising Charm at the roof. "Prongs!"

"I want to be with you forever," says James, hazel eyes searching Lily's. "Marry me?"

"_Is now the time, mate?_"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes, I'll marry you," laughs Lily. She grabs James' collar and kisses him, bloodied hands winding through his hair, and he pulls her flush against him as the building explodes, holding her face in his hands, not caring about the dirt smeared on his face and the dust that's settled over both of them.

"Incoming!" yells Peter, shielding his head, and Remus runs forward, forcing the couple to the ground.

"Evans! Potter!" Moody growls, coming toward them with his wand trained on a Death Eater. "Go and dilly-dally somewhere else, the building's just come down and we've got a battle to fight!"

James just grins at him; he brushes dust from Lily's hair and pulls her to her feet. "Ready, love?" he asks, giving a hand to Remus.

The girl smiles at the two boys standing next to her, twirling her wand between her fingers. "Ready."


	49. forty-nine - whisper

**forty-nine - whisper**

James kisses her gently, tilting her chin with his fingers and brushing her hair back. Her hands grip his shoulders and stroke up and down his neck, run through his hair, across his back. He sighs as she peppers his jawline with kisses, and her name is whispered into her skin.

She shifts under him and he pulls her hips closer to his. Lily wraps her arms around him, fingernails pressing gently into his skin. James tips his head back and looks at her, taking in the green eyes blinking at him.

Lily's fingers wind through his hair again, bringing him back to her, and she's breathing a _yes_ and he buries his face in the junction of her neck and shoulder. James hears his name floating around his ears when he pushes his way inside her, and they rock together slowly, kissing, touching, fingertip to fingertip and forehead to forehead. He waits for the pink in her cheeks and the quickening of her breath and the sharpness of her moans, and their names come crashing out each other's lips as they find their release.

After, they lie together, tangled and entwined beneath the blankets, his arms wrapped around her bare form and keeping her safe in his warm embrace. Lightning forks outside, flashing through the window and illuminating their faces for a moment, and the following thunder booms, rolling over the roof and reverberating through their bones.

"I love you, Lil," he tells her softly, breathlessly, in the calm between rolls of thunder. She kisses him, bringing her hand up to curl against his cheek.

"I love you too," she replies, almost at once. After a moment, she smiles. "I do. I never really thought you could love a person. We're kids, James. What do we know?"

She presses herself closer to him and her gaze flickers over his face. "But I do know. I know that I'm in love with you and I will be until the day that I die."

A lump rises in his throat and he doesn't know what to say. He's almost grateful, in a funny kind of way; he wouldn't be able to say it, anyway. She always manages to render him incapable of speech. "Lily," is the only thing he can murmur, her name falling from his lips like a prayer. "Lily, Lily," and he scatters kisses over her forehead and dusts them over her cheeks.

(He still hasn't kissed each one of her freckles, and it's something he'd like to do.)

A comfortable silence settles over the two of them, broken only by the rumbling of the weather. Their fingers weave together, touching. Always touching.

"Do you know what my biggest regret is?"

Her head his buried in the crook of his neck and her lips brush his skin as she speaks.

"No," he says, "don't do that. Don't do that to yourself."

"Not saying yes," she continues. "Not saying yes the first time you asked me out." She lifts her head to look at him. "We could have had years already." Lily's fingers toy with the hair at the base of his neck. "What existence is this? We could have had years."

"Lily," he says sharply, fingers gripping her shoulders. "Don't talk like that. We will have years, okay? We're gonna have more kids and grow old and one day this - this'll all seem like a nightmare. Harry and me, we need you. Don't give up on us, Lil." And then, so gently, "Don't give up on me."

"I promise," she says, bringing their hands to her mouth and kissing each of his knuckles. He swallows.

"Don't give up on me, James."

"I promise."

And somehow, these whispered vows, made in the filtering grey light of a late October evening, mean more than any words on their wedding day; now, more than ever, it's James and it's Lily, and a promise to be together, always.

* * *

**a/n: **wait we're at number forty-nine already?


	50. fifty - young

**a/n: **just a note, you might want to read chapter one again first.

**fifty - young**

Lily wonders about them sometimes.

She wonders whether they'll burn out and splutter, hurtling down like a comet, or whether they'll fade to a warm glow together, tumbling to Earth from their time in the stars.

She also thinks she ought not to drink sometimes, because she gets philosophical, and that never helped anybody in times like this.

James clears his throat and snaps her out of her thoughts.

"To Eoin," he says solemnly, and there's the dull murmur of assent. Lily vaguely remembers another day they were in here, but this time there's no addition from Sirius or chanting Quidditch fans; just the exhaustion exuding from the boys and girls fighting the war on behalf of their world.

They sit together, hands clasped tightly: Em and Mar and Mar and Lily and Lily and James, and Lily knows that Em is deliberately digging her nails into the palm of her right hand because that's where he should be sitting.

At some point someone brings some more drinks over and they give another toast to another fallen warrior and she leans back into the hard seat of the booth and wonders why they're still going. They're all so young and fighting so many and losing so many and winning so little, and it's on nights like this that she just wants to step out there without her wand and without her James, and throw up her hands and say, _yeah. You know what? You win. I'm done._

But she can't. She can't, because they have to keep fighting, because if they don't fight then what are they?

And what did Dad always say? You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for everything.

James has promised her that he won't let her fall. He'll keep her up and he'll keep her from breaking and he'll keep her safe as long as she keeps shining, and when they're cocooned under the covers, shutting out the world, she believes him sometimes.

Together they stand.

Lily lowers her head and catches his gaze and he says that he loves her and Sirius calls him a pansy but doesn't roll his eyes like he used to and she smiles and her voice sticks in her throat. When they've all looked away she mouths it back: _I love you, James Potter_, she says, and his eyes twinkle again for the first time since they heard the news.

She swills the Firewhiskey in her glass and downs it, wincing. And then Sirius says, "You could still drink me under the cauldron, could you, Evans?" with his eyebrow raised.

Both she and James automatically reply, "It's Potter, now," and the familiarity makes her want to weep, but she smiles at him all the same and says, "Is that a challenge, Black?"

Later on they stumble out of the Dragon's Hide and the balding barman shakes his head as if to say _kids_.

(They are young, so young.)

She clings to James and Sirius walks on her other side and she props him up with some help from Marlene, and Remus throws his arm around Em, and she smiles gratefully. Gid and Fabian chat alongside Peter, and Alice and Frank are holding hands and smiling and they're all grieving but it's dawn now: the light filters through the clouds, and so begins another day.

* * *

**a/n:** so here we are. Massive massive thank yous to anyone who read or read and reviewed, it makes my day. Special thanks to _we make paper cranes, isigirl, Tajee165, Super Cara _and _Bluemnms. _You lot are the very best.


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